Valentines Schmalentines

UGH. Can I just say I’m sick of VD day? I swear if I see one more ad with hearts and flowers or pink and red I’m going to unload on someone. Why is it that almost every freaking year I’m single around this holiday? I can remember one time in the last SIX years that I’ve had a boyfriend on VD day. Even when I was married or had a boyfriend, I’ve never really enjoyed this time of year.

My BF and I forever have always thought this is the most overrated holiday in the world, with Easter as a close second. Of course, we respect the religiousness of Easter, it’s all the commercial stuff we’re talking about. And it’s not a typo – we’ve referred to Valentine’s day as VD-Day since 1987, I’m pretty sure we started the whole VD-day moniker.

This year is no exception. I have had a couple of dates since New Year’s Eve with one guy, he took a three week hiatus from calling, so there’s still a little bit of uncertainty with what’s up there. But out of all the guys I’ve dated in the last six months, I could see myself with him more than any of the other ones – only because I think he would totally fit in with my friends and family and I feel like I can be myself around him.

I was driving home the other night and passed the porn store. It caught me off guard because the place was so packed – then I remembered what day was coming up. I was glad to see it so busy, at least they are getting stuff they can use, flowers are so overrated! A vibrator lasts forever (unless you’re me, and have burned out two of them), but flowers die in 3 days.

Lo and behold though, someone actually copied my idea. Until I made plans to fly to Arizona on the 15th, I was going to have a ’singles only’ cocktail party. Well, what do you know, one of my girlfriends beat me to the punch. She sent out a secret Facebook invite to a singles party Saturday night. I’m so planning on going. Should be interesting because I have to be at the airport at 5:00 a.m. Yes, that is A.M…I see a recipe for disaster.

But you’ll all be glad to know, I have not given up on love. I’m still optimistic
that I’ll meet someone and fall head-over-heels in love. I’ve been watching Millionaire Matchmaker so I’m confident that there is someone out there for me. Hey, I have one friend that said you should always marry the first time for love and the second for money, so I guess I’m on money, eh???

Happy Freaking VD Day!

Unfunded Mandates

What do you mean, I need a new transmission? Does it have something to do with the fact that my Tahoe (The Ho) wouldn’t go in reverse today and left me almost stranded in town? Luckily I was able to get The Ho going forward in drive so could get it to the body shop.

There is nothing worse than those non-budgeted emergencies that come up that have to be paid for. In the city business, we would call these ‘unfunded mandates’. Think voter initiatives that require new laws and the agency hasn’t budgeted for them. I was totally unprepared for a $3,000 transmission. I’m pretty sure in the tranny world, three grand could pay for a lot.

Luckily, I have a spare car I can drive. I’m working on Plan B to borrow my dad’s truck for a while since I’m trying to sell said spare car and don’t want to rack up any more miles on it.

No matter how you play it, it’s still a hassle. Of course, the first advice I get is to get something more reliable. Hello, if you think I could have afforded something like a freaking Volvo, do you think I’d be driving a ten year old vehicle just because I like it? Not that I’m not safety conscious and don’t want a Volvo, but it has something to do with those huge MBA student loan payments.

I might have to switch to cheaper beer.

The Truth about Girl Talk

Guys I’m going to answer something that you always wondered. What do girls really talk about? Now if you’re a Sex and the City fan, you already know the answer. We talk about sex, men, vibrators, size, and more sex. We also talk about other women, kids, shoes, food, work and volunteering, among other things. Personally, I think women are way worse than men when it comes to raunchy topics. I’ve had times where girls would talk about things that would make our guy friends blush.

Not too long ago, I was over at a girlfriend’s house for dinner. There were four of us there; (‘M’ who’s got a boyfriend, ‘J’ who has crazy wild sex with a guy but isn’t serious, ‘V’ who just got out of a six year relationship (and he’s her only ‘one’) and yours truly, who isn’t currently sleeping with anyone and had a first date with a guy that same day.

We’re at the dinner table enjoying a nice dinner and some wine and the conversation quickly turns to sex. M says she hasn’t been able to climax with her boyfriend, that she only can with her Magic Bullet vibrator. So I suggest she go back to basic masturbation and not use the bullet for a while, or introduce it into the bedroom. She says tonights the night and was planning on bringing some toys in that night, pass the wine.

Then we get on to the fellatio discussion. M says they don’t have oral sex because she has TMJ and that he doesn’t reciprocate because she doesn’t enjoy it. I say poor guy to that but also that someone isn’t doing something right, how could she not love it? We stay on this topic for a while, there’s a lot to discuss.

In hindsight it seems like I had a lot to comment on regarding our table talk. Maybe it’s because I’m a few years older so of course, a bit more seasoned when it comes to the bedroom. Let’s face it, you can’t live in a sorority with 65 women for three years, and then be married and not have some good stories. Even if a single woman sleeps with one or two people a year (not a weekend), over a ten year period, that’s over 20 people to compare notes on.

I’ve also recently had the discussion re: circumcised vs. uncircumcised with one of my girlfriends. Now I’ve seen all the Sex and the City episodes and don’t ever remember it coming up, but that would have been a funny one. It’s just one of those things that you typically don’t expect, but it works the same nonetheless, but it can be a bit of a surprise if you’re not ready for it.

Let’s just say that no topic is off limits. Married, single, it doesn’t matter. Amount of sex, waxing, PMS, Playboy and some other things that I can’t even print. Granted some ladies are a little shy about sex talk – just get them to a Passion Party and they’ll open up.

I’ve always said I don’t kiss and tell, but I guarantee, if it was something memorable, good or bad, you know it’s going to come up in girl talk. The one thing I’d caution on is that if you sleep with someone and it’s not that great, don’t tell everyone if you plan on dating said person again, otherwise that is all people remember about your new squeeze. If your guy is quick on the draw, I don’t want to be talking to him at a party and worry about saying something accidentally about it. (Can you imagine, he says something witty, you’re like Wow, you’re quick, um, I didn’t mean it like that) .

Some things really are better left to the imagination.

Generation Gap

You know the old saying, ‘when it rains, it pours’, well I just went from a complete dating drought to a rainstorm. All of the sudden I’ve got three potential interests in the pipeline.

Even more interesting is that they are from three different generations. Now, me being a story whore, maybe one or two of them are just there for writing inspiration, but that’s beside the point. I just heard this on Californication – sometimes my whore logic gets fu$&*d up. this is so true, sometimes my dating logic gets skewed somewhere in between not wanting to be alone and dating the wrong guy.

So you’re saying, spill it sister. What’s the scoop? I’ll tell you about Mr. X, Y and Z, but the letters don’t necessarily coincide with their generational labels.

Mr. X: I met this guy a while ago, but we saw each other out right before Thanksgiving, hit it off and ended up doing a little smooching. That was about it, but then he never called afterwards, so I chalked it up to him being in his early 30’s. Didn’t really think much of it until this weekend when I see him out. We got over the awkwardness of why he didn’t call and ended up getting a little cozy at the bar.

Mr. Y: We had a blind date on New Year’s Day for a few beers, then I’ve seen him a couple of times since then. He’s got his kids every other weekend so it’s kind of a challenge to see him. He’s in his early 40’s, a good dad (which I really like about a guy) and makes me laugh. We’re supposed to have dinner soon.

Mr. Z: I ran into this guy at an out of town function, we got to talking; he’s in a high profile position in the town I work in. He’s interested in me but unfortunately he’s also married…even though he says it’s over and they are pretty much living apart. Note, I said ‘pretty much’ so it’s not a done deal. His son went out with one of my friends. He’s old enough to be the father of Mr. X or one of my old boyfriends.

Age isn’t really that big of a deal to me, it’s like race. At least I like to think it doesn’t make a difference. I’ve gone out with guys that are older or younger and guys are guys, there are some generational differences but they aren’t deal breakers. But here is one big thing I worry about when going out with someone over the age of 40. What if they need ‘the little blue pill’? You know, health issues start creeping up, what if he can’t get ‘in the mood’ without a little help? Even worse, what if he has a freaking heart attack or stroke? Then am I obligated to stay with him – flashbacks from a Seinfeld episode.

I’m not sure I’m ‘up’ for it…but I’ll bet it would make for a good story.

The Ball

“The Governor’s Ball”…What an elegant sound. I mentioned last week that I was going to attend this year’s Washington State Governor’s Inaugural Ball. It was pretty cool. It reminds me of the AC/DC song Big Balls (who’s got the biggest balls of them all).

I happened to be in Olympia for a training so I bought a ticket, even though I’m not into politics, frankly I can never remember what team she plays on since I’m on the fence when it comes to political parties.

But here’s the rundown: I was all decked out in a formal, a slinky shawl and my little black vintage purse. Also, I had my Escada party shoes on that I bought in Vegas at Ceasar’s Palace and lots of bling to match! I had even gotten my hair done earlier in the day.

The hairdo is a story in itself. I drove around for 30 minutes, went to six salons and they were all booked, finally went to one and they were all Korean. I asked if someone could do an up-do and the lady asked me in broken English if I wanted my eyebrows waxed. I said no and she gave me a really funny look. I was like, what, so I have full brows, it’s not like they are that bad. So this little gal starts curling my hair, then they are talking in Korean and I swear I thought they were telling the gal to give me some super crazy do that I wouldn’t have a choice but to go with it. But it turned out really cute, all those big curls and then she pulled some up. Since my dress went down a ways in the back I needed to leave part of my hair down to cover up my tattoo. Not that I cared, but I didn’t think the Gov would say, hey, nice tat.

So off to the gala ball! I ended up meeting up with some folks from my town so I didn’t have to go by myself. We wandered around the capital building, and then found the food and beverage tents. It was an open beer & wine bar, which turned out to be not a good thing for me. There was so much food, all done by culinary schools from across the state. The students would explain what some of them were and I realized that watching Top Chef does have real value.

They had the offices open in the Capitol – I even got my picture taken sitting at the State Treasurer’s desk. Then they had the ceremony and a receiving line, which I was right by the front so got to meet the Gov with hardly any waiting. There were so many people there it was hard to meet any cute guys, but I sure did see a lot of them!

We went back to the hotel bar and had a couple of more drinks. I stayed up way too late and had to go to class hungover, tired and then drive back home that way too.

All in all, it was a once in a lifetime experience and I would definitely do it again but try not to enjoy so much of the free wine.

What’s your 20?

Do you ever remember the old cop shows when they’re on the radio and the dispatcher says ‘what’s your twenty’? Meaning, what’s your location? I used to date a cop so was used to hearing that all the time.

Well, I learned a new phrase today. 420 friendly. I’d never heard this one before but was reading the Craig’s List personals and saw this expression, with a description about getting together, hooking up and having a smoke. OK, I wasn’t born yesterday, so figure 420 must be like the police code for busting someone with pot.

I was wrong, but in the right neighborhood. Thanks to Google, 420 friendly is for people who are into smoking pot, or don’t mind if people get high. Well I guess you might as well get it out of the way, no point of wasting any time. They could say ‘cheech seeking chong’ and it would probably mean the same thing.

The interesting thing is, what if someone was advertising for a little NSA 420 hook up and an undercover cop showed up? I suppose they couldn’t bust you for the sex part, but for they could for possession.

You know, I just learn something new every day, it never ceases to amazes me what people come up with.

Gossip Girl

Don’t you hate it when someone tells you a juicy piece of gossip and then says, ‘but don’t tell anyone’. Oh, so it’s OK if they spill the beans that someone told them, probably with the same disclaimer of not telling anyone, but then they expect you not to say anything.

Sometimes you find out something so good and then have no one to tell, it’s like you just wish you knew someone that knew the parties involved so you could dish some scoop. I’m not big on speculative gossip, it’s just hurtful, especially if it’s not true, but it’s different if it’s true.

Just recently I heard some tidbits that blew me away, we’re talking married people cheating with married people, people getting fired, restraining orders, lots of drama – but then don’t have anyone to share it with because it’s different circles of friends. And by the way, in case you were wondering, these are like three different groups of people. I could tell you the details, but it’s just not the same if you don’t know them.

Here’s an old joke for you – how do Christians gossip? Prayer requests. Can’t you just hear it, ‘Dear Lord, please pray for Jane Doe, who is fooling around on her husband with her friend’s dad.’ What do you pray, that they don’t get caught? Don’t catch an STD? Get caught in the act?

I used to hear some really good stuff when I worked for city government and was friends with the guys in the police department. They’d totally catch two people hooking up that shouldn’t have been in an orchard, parking lot, or see some married guy’s car at his girlfriends house. Busted.

In case you’re a Gossip Girl fan (I’m hooked on this show), XOXO.

BordersTown

What is it with people that go to bookstores and just hang out and read? I don’t know why, but this just drives me nuts. It would be like going to Macy’s, trying a pair of boots on, wearing them around the whole store and then telling the clerk you don’t want them. In the meantime, you’ve got your germs all over, possibly scuffed them, and made them look worn.

This is the year for books for Christmas presents, I’ve got no inspiration or time to try and find the ultimate original gift, so I’m going with books.

As much as I love books, libraries and bookstores, I almost dread going to Borders anymore. There’s all these people lurking about, just kicking back in an easy chair reading. I’m thinking, don’t you people have freaking homes, why would you go read in a store compared to the comfort of your own home, how enjoyable is that?

If you don’t want to buy reading material, go to the library – hello, it’s free and you’ve got an unlimited resource. Except if your dog chews up a book, no kidding, I had to buy a book earlier this year because my dog dragged it outside and chewed the cover off.

I think I remember reading some dating advice that said bookstores are a great place to meet people. Maybe that’s why people just linger about, I guess it’s better than a singles bar. I don’t know, I still don’t get it.

Match Angel

The key to setting people up is to find people that may have things in common so they at least have something to talk about when they first meet. I’ve recently made a new friend who has taken it upon himself to find me a man. My match angel (MA) said he’s got a pretty good track record of matchmaking – he set up two couples who are now married.

This guy is really funny, he’s an older gentleman, married and on the board of a service club I just joined. We talked at a new member event and really hit it off, ever since then, he’s kind of like an unofficial mentor and I think he feels a little sorry for me since I don’t have much family here and am fairly new to living in town. We go out to lunch about once a month, and now he is on a mission to match me up with.

I’ll have to admit though, MA’s got good taste. I get an email last month saying that he’s just heard of a break up and that there’s a new bachelor on the market – he’s tall, good looking and a bank manager – and he wants to know if he should talk to him about asking me out. We decide to hold off since I’ll be seeing said bachelor at an event and will see how things go there. He showed up with a date that looked a lot older and pretty rough, so I wonder about his judgment. MA saw him at another event this week and he was still with her, so we think he’s the kind of guy that can’t be alone and always has to have a girlfriend.

Two weeks ago I was at another holiday event and MA tracks me down and says, I think I found one! Do you know So & So? I do know SS – he’s hot, and a financial advisor. MA says he told SS what I was wearing so he can scope me out.

I’m telling you, MA is relentless, he takes it one step further, freaking calls the guy to see if he’ll be attending a young professionals meeting next week (that I’ll be at too) and asks if he’s interested in meeting me. Then MA tells me at our club meeting that my assignment at the function is to go up to SS and introduce myself and say I understand we have a friend in common. It feels like we are on a covert spy operation.

This could be interesting. I’m wondering if I should just call him and see if he wants to meet for coffee, I’m not sure I can take the pressure. I guess after a couple of drinks I’ll get the nerve up. I’ll keep you posted…

Call in Gay Day

Have you seen this latest grass-roots effort to protest against California’s decision to repeal the legitimacy of the proposition in favor of gay marriage? Today is an unofficial ‘call in gay day’, kind of the reverse of a sit-in, more like a sit-out.

It’s where they are trying to make a statement that if everyone that was gay didn’t spend any money the economy would suffer, or to show how vital gay and lesbians are to commerce and business, basically to make people think about it what the world would be like without the gay and lesbian community. So not to stereotype, but I would imagine that San Francisco was pretty quiet today.

I really don’t have much of an opinion on this one. I’ve got a lot of gay and lesbian friends and don’t care if they get married or not, I say why shouldn’t they suffer through a divorce as much as the rest of us?

The whole funny thought of mine today was, what if there was some super macho hetero-homophobic guy that got food poisoning or the flu and had to call in sick today? Wouldn’t that be hilarious – then he goes back to work tomorrow and is like, hey I was really sick. Yeah, right buddy, hey it’s OK if you’re a closet homosexual, whatever floats your boat…