Playboy Mansion Virus

There was an article the other day that there was some sort of virus that sickened many at the Playboy mansion.

Two words…Ya Think?

Courtesy FamousLogos.org

The Truth about Girl Talk

Guys I’m going to answer something that you always wondered. What do girls really talk about? Now if you’re a Sex and the City fan, you already know the answer. We talk about sex, men, vibrators, size, and more sex. We also talk about other women, kids, shoes, food, work and volunteering, among other things. Personally, I think women are way worse than men when it comes to raunchy topics. I’ve had times where girls would talk about things that would make our guy friends blush.

Not too long ago, I was over at a girlfriend’s house for dinner. There were four of us there; (‘M’ who’s got a boyfriend, ‘J’ who has crazy wild sex with a guy but isn’t serious, ‘V’ who just got out of a six year relationship (and he’s her only ‘one’) and yours truly, who isn’t currently sleeping with anyone and had a first date with a guy that same day.

We’re at the dinner table enjoying a nice dinner and some wine and the conversation quickly turns to sex. M says she hasn’t been able to climax with her boyfriend, that she only can with her Magic Bullet vibrator. So I suggest she go back to basic masturbation and not use the bullet for a while, or introduce it into the bedroom. She says tonights the night and was planning on bringing some toys in that night, pass the wine.

Then we get on to the fellatio discussion. M says they don’t have oral sex because she has TMJ and that he doesn’t reciprocate because she doesn’t enjoy it. I say poor guy to that but also that someone isn’t doing something right, how could she not love it? We stay on this topic for a while, there’s a lot to discuss.

In hindsight it seems like I had a lot to comment on regarding our table talk. Maybe it’s because I’m a few years older so of course, a bit more seasoned when it comes to the bedroom. Let’s face it, you can’t live in a sorority with 65 women for three years, and then be married and not have some good stories. Even if a single woman sleeps with one or two people a year (not a weekend), over a ten year period, that’s over 20 people to compare notes on.

I’ve also recently had the discussion re: circumcised vs. uncircumcised with one of my girlfriends. Now I’ve seen all the Sex and the City episodes and don’t ever remember it coming up, but that would have been a funny one. It’s just one of those things that you typically don’t expect, but it works the same nonetheless, but it can be a bit of a surprise if you’re not ready for it.

Let’s just say that no topic is off limits. Married, single, it doesn’t matter. Amount of sex, waxing, PMS, Playboy and some other things that I can’t even print. Granted some ladies are a little shy about sex talk – just get them to a Passion Party and they’ll open up.

I’ve always said I don’t kiss and tell, but I guarantee, if it was something memorable, good or bad, you know it’s going to come up in girl talk. The one thing I’d caution on is that if you sleep with someone and it’s not that great, don’t tell everyone if you plan on dating said person again, otherwise that is all people remember about your new squeeze. If your guy is quick on the draw, I don’t want to be talking to him at a party and worry about saying something accidentally about it. (Can you imagine, he says something witty, you’re like Wow, you’re quick, um, I didn’t mean it like that) .

Some things really are better left to the imagination.

Generation Gap

You know the old saying, ‘when it rains, it pours’, well I just went from a complete dating drought to a rainstorm. All of the sudden I’ve got three potential interests in the pipeline.

Even more interesting is that they are from three different generations. Now, me being a story whore, maybe one or two of them are just there for writing inspiration, but that’s beside the point. I just heard this on Californication – sometimes my whore logic gets fu$&*d up. this is so true, sometimes my dating logic gets skewed somewhere in between not wanting to be alone and dating the wrong guy.

So you’re saying, spill it sister. What’s the scoop? I’ll tell you about Mr. X, Y and Z, but the letters don’t necessarily coincide with their generational labels.

Mr. X: I met this guy a while ago, but we saw each other out right before Thanksgiving, hit it off and ended up doing a little smooching. That was about it, but then he never called afterwards, so I chalked it up to him being in his early 30′s. Didn’t really think much of it until this weekend when I see him out. We got over the awkwardness of why he didn’t call and ended up getting a little cozy at the bar.

Mr. Y: We had a blind date on New Year’s Day for a few beers, then I’ve seen him a couple of times since then. He’s got his kids every other weekend so it’s kind of a challenge to see him. He’s in his early 40′s, a good dad (which I really like about a guy) and makes me laugh. We’re supposed to have dinner soon.

Mr. Z: I ran into this guy at an out of town function, we got to talking; he’s in a high profile position in the town I work in. He’s interested in me but unfortunately he’s also married…even though he says it’s over and they are pretty much living apart. Note, I said ‘pretty much’ so it’s not a done deal. His son went out with one of my friends. He’s old enough to be the father of Mr. X or one of my old boyfriends.

Age isn’t really that big of a deal to me, it’s like race. At least I like to think it doesn’t make a difference. I’ve gone out with guys that are older or younger and guys are guys, there are some generational differences but they aren’t deal breakers. But here is one big thing I worry about when going out with someone over the age of 40. What if they need ‘the little blue pill’? You know, health issues start creeping up, what if he can’t get ‘in the mood’ without a little help? Even worse, what if he has a freaking heart attack or stroke? Then am I obligated to stay with him – flashbacks from a Seinfeld episode.

I’m not sure I’m ‘up’ for it…but I’ll bet it would make for a good story.

The Rules

You’ve all heard these dating rules, something about the woman is always right, blah blah blah. I’ve got some personal rules to add, but might need some help clarifying. Here’s my top three (maybe four):

Number One rule. No married guys – it’s a complete waste of time if they are married or living apart but haven’t freaking filed yet. But I’m now running into a gray area here. What about someone going through a divorce? What if their divorce has been going on for over two years? How do you define it, that they’ve actually FILED for divorce? I’ll take some input on this. Personally, I think I’m calling bulls&*( on this, I’ve been divorced and it only took 90 days. Granted we didn’t have custody or alimony issues, but still, come on. Two+ years?

Number Two. No threesomes. Sorry guys, I know you all have this big fantasy about girl-on-girl, but I’m not interested. I think the only time people want to do a threesome is so they can get a free pass to cheat on their SO or spouse. I had a friend of mine tell me her husband wanted to have a threesome with me one time. Besides the big EWWWW, I knew the only reason he mentioned it because he wanted to sleep with me but knew I wouldn’t since I was friends with his wife. I should also mention that he was the work partner of my EX boyfriend. Nice, freaking cops.

Number Three: I personally don’t sleep with more than one person at a time. This would be different than a threesome, more like a ‘one woman man’ rule. I mean if I’m dating more than one person, and happen to sleep with one of them, then I won’t sleep with the other ones. Or if I’m regularly having sex with a guy I won’t have sex with another guy, even if we’re not serious and it happens to be in a different area code. So here’s my dilemma – who gets priority? What if you meet someone, maybe not sleep with them, but want to at a later date, then you don’t talk to the guy for a while, start dating someone else, but then run into the first guy out and about and end up hooking up? I know that’s hard to follow, but work with me here. I’m having a flashback of being in the Department of Motor Vehicles and taking a number. I guess when you’re totally done with your number you can move on? I’m not sure on this one.

I’ll have to get back to you all on Number Three. I still haven’t figured it out. I guess wait and see what happens with Door #1 before opening Door #2. Door #3 is really going to have to wait, especially if he hasn’t filed yet.

My big question is where were all these guys six months ago?

Blast from the Past

Boy I don’t know what the new change-o-year has to do with blasts from the pasts is, but this is something. And it happens to coincide with an actual date of a real life decent guy.

I know I haven’t updated for a while, but chalk it up to being busy, single and facebook. Sorry but Facebook is where it’s at now. MySpace is out.

So I know there’s a lot to chat about since I had a couple of dates (with the same guy even). More later on the new guy.

Get this, I’ve had three recent blasts from the past.

1. One of my guy pals that I went from 1st grade on through school got in touch via classmates.com.;

2. My high school crush now wants to be my friend on facebook. Hey, dude, you should have went out with me then. Sorry, but I saw you at out ten year reunion and I looked way better than you did.

3. And then after a Broadway production of Movin Out (which rocked), I ran into the ONE GUY that I could have gone pretty much the rest of my life without wanting to see again. This is one of those guys that messes with your head and is bad news. Let’s just say we have history.  Turns out he’s now working at the new Yakima hot spot. Great…now I have to avoid that shit too. I so should have moved out of state…those damn nephews of mine have made it virtually impossible for me to leave.

I wonder if all these past connections are some sort of test – you know to maybe make me appreciate the new guy that I’m dating?

Friends with Benefits

What a weekend. I totally love those weekends that I don’t have any major plans. My nephew had a basketball game and then I hung out with them (the ex-laws) the rest of they day, it was awesome. We hung out, hot tubbed and drank some brews, what a way to spend a Saturday. My nephews are so funny, they asked if I was going on any trips soon so I could bring them back something. Gee, am I spoiling them? I hope so.

I was driving over to their house and passed one of my ex-flings. Let’s see, how to describe him…he was the I’ll-call-you-tomorrow- and-then-not-call- for-a-week guy. We went out two years ago for a while, we hooked up at a funeral (which is probably wrong in the first place, but the guy would’ve approved) and he told his friend the next day that I was a ROCK STAR in the sack. (Yes, he said ROCKSTAR). His friend happened to be the boyfriend of my sister-in-law’s sister – needless to say, that news spread like wildfire in the family. I still have fond thoughts whenever I hear Nickelback’s RockStar song. We rekindled last year for a while too, but it didn’t work out that time around either. Imagine that, if it didn’t work out the first time, why would it the next time around? I texted him to see if he knew it was me, so then we did some texting. He was like ‘u seeing anyone’, I was like, ‘naw, still single’, and so on, then he was like ‘call me sometime’.

Anyhoo, we (sis-in-law & nephews) went to another game and I saw this guy that totally hit on me one night – and it turns out that he just knocked up his ex-wife, AND recently had a kid with another chick, hence the reason for the EX. He’s such a slut! But why would you divorce someone for getting his girlfriend pregnant, then hook up with the guy again? Who’s stupider?

After the second game, we all went back to the house, had a few beers, then I decided to head home. So do I do the smart thing and go straight home? No, why would I do that? I text Mr. Unreliable to see if he wants to have a beer. He was already out so told me to stop by. We have a couple beers, then his buddies leave so we’re talking. We get on the topic of sex and how we had great sex (really great, I mean exceptional). So you could guess what we were both thinking – maybe we should hook up for old time’s sake, just for a little ‘no strings’ action. We had this discussion earlier this summer too, I’d had one too many beers and saw him out – I told him I was thinking about calling him for a hook up since I was in a sex drought – sometimes I really shouldn’t say what I’m thinking.

We decide that even if we were going to hook up, last night was not the night since it’s a 40 minute drive to my place. There’s always tomorrow, right? We did exchange some dirty texting when I got home though.

All that sex talk got me thinking. No strings, friends with benefits, f&*K buddy – they’re all the same. Is there such a thing? I know people do this, but you always wonder, does one person get emotionally involved? Do women (some women) just go along with this thinking that if she is so cool and liberal about sex, maybe she can win the guy over? Or how about the ones that go psycho stalker?

But then, what’s worse? Meeting some guy in a bar and having a one night stand or hooking up with a friend who you have hot sexual chemistry with and who gets you? Either way, you’re not getting a relationship out of the deal. They’re both easy tools for immediate self gratification, yet leave a sense of emptiness afterwards. I suppose neither is really the best option if you’re looking for something more than just a quickie. Or maybe some people really can have straight out unemotional casual sex, I don’t know, it seems like there has to be more to it than that. I think I’ll stick with power tools, no emotional investment and you never have to worry that they’ll call you the next day. Then again, the Rabbit won’t hold your hand or watch the Seahawks game with you.

Game Day Recap

Here’s the hook…I made out with a cheerleader. I’ll give you the scoop, but first the background.

You may recall that I met up with some of my college pals for University of Idaho Homecoming weekend. Otherwise known as two days of pulling 12-hour drinking shifts. Gawd…I totally need to dry out my liver. I still have a hangover. You’d think I’d learn – I swear I forget that I’m not in college anymore – only to be sorely reminded since I feel like I got run over by a mack truck.

It was great – got to see my college girlfriends and their spouses, did some tailgating in the student section (OK, we are getting a little old for that, but hey, the parking is free and this cougar loves the eye candy) and to top it off, we won the game. It was a nailbiter down to the end. Good thing some of us missed almost the whole second half because we were too busy tailgating – we showed up with 1:30 left in the game – but it was the best part of the second half.

We went out to dinner then dropped our cars off at our NoTell MOtel so we could walk to the tav – turns out it was a little farther than we thought, so at least we got some exercise in. The night before we had gone to another local joint – I ended up playing pool with a coke snorting local, thanks to my friends for volunteering that I’d be the guys partner. No shit, one minute the guy was fine, the next he was sneezing out white stuff and stumbling all over the place. Up until he was loaded, we were doing pretty good, I was making shots like I was on the pro circuit.

So anyways, here’s how I ended up smooching the cheerleader. I guess the proper term isn’t ‘make out’ (I think it’s something like hooking up, tonsil hockey, or tonsil inspection), not sure what it is now. Whatever they say in People magazine or E! online. Hooking up can imply a lot. Sorry guys, this isn’t some girls-gone-wild, girl-on-girl shit, HE was a male cheerleader.

We walk down to the Club and it’s wall to wall people, we were almost the oldest ones there again (someday we’ll learn, but again, it’s nice to have some young bucks to check out). We find a corner of a table and there’s this young hottie sitting there, so we start talking about the world series. He’s talking, blah-blah-blah, architect, something something, was a vandal cheerleader. He told me his age, but I can’t remember, there’s a few years age difference, but he thought I was 32, you know age is relative. All I can think of is that he looks like Lofa Tutupa (Seattle Seahawks) and is smokin’ hot. I was impressed because when they sang the fight song at the bar, like 5 times, he knew all the words. So we end up chit chatting for a long time, one beer leads to another, then all the sudden we’re smooching like teenagers…at the bar – classy move, huh???

Well, ya’ll know I don’t kiss and tell, unless I don’t think I’ll ever see the guy again. So you get nothing – we did exchange emails and he got my number, so we’ll see what happens. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. You know, a three hour drive isn’t that far to hang out with some saucy former cheer-ster. I’ll keep you posted. I told you homecoming doesn’t get much better – it was that lucky penny I found. I knew it would be a good weekend.

Himbos & BroHos

Ohmygosh. I read the funniest article today, What’s With All the Himbos?. The author talked about all these male sluts actors in the news hooking up with the flavor of the week – Lance Armstrong, John Mayer, and the likes. He coins two new terms – the Himbo and BroHo, I think they are pretty self explanatory.

Brings to mind another term made popular by Lance Armstrong – the Bromance – referring to the oddly strange and inseparable relationship that he and Matthew McConaughy had going on for a while there.

“What’s with the Tour de Your Pants [Lance]? , comments the author, Peter Birkenhead. Look, I have nothing against a little good, clean ho-ing now and then. And everybody needs to be a bro once in a while. But bro-ing and ho-ing don’t mix.”

I guess it’s about time that the switch was flipped. For years it’s been perfectly acceptable for guys to sleep around and they are called ‘ladies men’ or ‘confirmed bachelors’, but if a woman does it she’s a slut, or tramp. Which reminds me, I got a sample of Paris Hilton perfume the other day, I didn’t know they could bottle skank.  What’s the difference between a slut and a whore?  About 50 bucks.

I’m all for equal rights.  Now if I could only figure out where to find one of these, I could go for a little himbo action…

Pitchers & Catchers

The playoffs are here – finally. As a Mariners fan, this has been a hell of a long season. They needed to get put out of their misery months ago. I love baseball, my favorite vacation is to go to the Cactus League Spring Training. Sun, beer, baseball – what else could be better?

I’m also usually a die hard fan – I carry around a pocket schedule in my purse – but I have hardly watched a game since the M’s went in the tank. That is why I’m so excited the playoffs are here, anything can happen. Heck, even the Brewers are in the race this year.

Which brings me to my topic – did you know that gay guys are either ‘pitchers’ or ‘catchers’? I guess it’s referred to as ‘tops’ or ‘bottoms’, I think it’s pretty self explanatory. I read about this recently on Tuckermax.com. Ah…that explains all those Craig’s List Casual Encounters personals M4M, seeking top for discreet action, will host. Then I was watching my new favorite show Entourage – Ari (the Agent) is always giving his homosexual assistant Lloyd crap – and the Agent said something to Lloyd like when you’re getting pile-drived by your boyfriend – and Lloyd gave him this look of disgust and was like, Ugh I’m a top.

The look reminded me of a look some of my married friends might get if you ask them if they want to have sex with their husbands. I can joke about this because I was married once; I’ve earned my not-wanting-to-have-sex stripes; for the record, I don’t have that problem anymore.

Anyways, I feel it is my duty to inform my friends when I learn of these important current issues, and I just thought it was interesting. I always thought they’d swap places or take turns. I’m going to have to ask one of my gay guy friends if there are switch hitters in the game.

Think about that this post season. Game on!

Did I say that out loud?

One of my worst habits is saying things before I think about it and then totally sticking my foot in my mouth and scrambling to diffuse the comment. We coined the term in college – ‘mint flavored shoes’, meaning we hoped we at least had our mint flavored shoes on when we stuck our foot in our mouth.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking out loud? Sometimes I’ll do this when I’m alone or talking to my dog – random thoughts that if someone heard you they’d think you were nuts or a complete moron.

Well, I’ve now found the ultimate ‘tell it like it is, say what you think and don’t mince words’ guy. I just finished reading Chelsea Handler’s first book, and laughed so hard my stomach hurt, so I was telling my girlfriends about it. They told me about this guy who had written a book and it was like a train wreck – he is a self-proclaimed asshole who lives to get drunk and sleep around – but you can’t help reading his stories.

Here’s the tip of the year from NoHostBar – check out TuckerMax.com. I’ve been known to exaggerate how funny things are (no, really?), but I’m not shitting you, this guy is the real freaking deal. Word of warning, he says exactly what he thinks and it is rude, crude, sexist, and obnoxious, but probably the funniest stuff I’ve ever read. I haven’t got his book yet but have been reading some of his top stories on his website. I was crying…I couldn’t even get through a paragraph of one of his stories without breaking into that hysterical, slient, sob-laughing. His book is titled “I hope they serve beer in hell”. [Aside, a friend of a friend met this guy in Vegas, he is just like he says].

Like I really can’t believe he says some of this stuff out loud, or on paper. Word on his site is that he’s filming a movie. I can only imagine that one. I can’t even put an excerpt on here, you have to read it for yourself. Guys, you’re going to love this. Trust me.

BF, here’s your 5-Star Depends Alert – you’d better have some handy, because you won’t believe it!