Valentines Schmalentines

UGH. Can I just say I’m sick of VD day? I swear if I see one more ad with hearts and flowers or pink and red I’m going to unload on someone. Why is it that almost every freaking year I’m single around this holiday? I can remember one time in the last SIX years that I’ve had a boyfriend on VD day. Even when I was married or had a boyfriend, I’ve never really enjoyed this time of year.

My BF and I forever have always thought this is the most overrated holiday in the world, with Easter as a close second. Of course, we respect the religiousness of Easter, it’s all the commercial stuff we’re talking about. And it’s not a typo – we’ve referred to Valentine’s day as VD-Day since 1987, I’m pretty sure we started the whole VD-day moniker.

This year is no exception. I have had a couple of dates since New Year’s Eve with one guy, he took a three week hiatus from calling, so there’s still a little bit of uncertainty with what’s up there. But out of all the guys I’ve dated in the last six months, I could see myself with him more than any of the other ones – only because I think he would totally fit in with my friends and family and I feel like I can be myself around him.

I was driving home the other night and passed the porn store. It caught me off guard because the place was so packed – then I remembered what day was coming up. I was glad to see it so busy, at least they are getting stuff they can use, flowers are so overrated! A vibrator lasts forever (unless you’re me, and have burned out two of them), but flowers die in 3 days.

Lo and behold though, someone actually copied my idea. Until I made plans to fly to Arizona on the 15th, I was going to have a ’singles only’ cocktail party. Well, what do you know, one of my girlfriends beat me to the punch. She sent out a secret Facebook invite to a singles party Saturday night. I’m so planning on going. Should be interesting because I have to be at the airport at 5:00 a.m. Yes, that is A.M…I see a recipe for disaster.

But you’ll all be glad to know, I have not given up on love. I’m still optimistic
that I’ll meet someone and fall head-over-heels in love. I’ve been watching Millionaire Matchmaker so I’m confident that there is someone out there for me. Hey, I have one friend that said you should always marry the first time for love and the second for money, so I guess I’m on money, eh???

Happy Freaking VD Day!

The Truth about Girl Talk

Guys I’m going to answer something that you always wondered. What do girls really talk about? Now if you’re a Sex and the City fan, you already know the answer. We talk about sex, men, vibrators, size, and more sex. We also talk about other women, kids, shoes, food, work and volunteering, among other things. Personally, I think women are way worse than men when it comes to raunchy topics. I’ve had times where girls would talk about things that would make our guy friends blush.

Not too long ago, I was over at a girlfriend’s house for dinner. There were four of us there; (‘M’ who’s got a boyfriend, ‘J’ who has crazy wild sex with a guy but isn’t serious, ‘V’ who just got out of a six year relationship (and he’s her only ‘one’) and yours truly, who isn’t currently sleeping with anyone and had a first date with a guy that same day.

We’re at the dinner table enjoying a nice dinner and some wine and the conversation quickly turns to sex. M says she hasn’t been able to climax with her boyfriend, that she only can with her Magic Bullet vibrator. So I suggest she go back to basic masturbation and not use the bullet for a while, or introduce it into the bedroom. She says tonights the night and was planning on bringing some toys in that night, pass the wine.

Then we get on to the fellatio discussion. M says they don’t have oral sex because she has TMJ and that he doesn’t reciprocate because she doesn’t enjoy it. I say poor guy to that but also that someone isn’t doing something right, how could she not love it? We stay on this topic for a while, there’s a lot to discuss.

In hindsight it seems like I had a lot to comment on regarding our table talk. Maybe it’s because I’m a few years older so of course, a bit more seasoned when it comes to the bedroom. Let’s face it, you can’t live in a sorority with 65 women for three years, and then be married and not have some good stories. Even if a single woman sleeps with one or two people a year (not a weekend), over a ten year period, that’s over 20 people to compare notes on.

I’ve also recently had the discussion re: circumcised vs. uncircumcised with one of my girlfriends. Now I’ve seen all the Sex and the City episodes and don’t ever remember it coming up, but that would have been a funny one. It’s just one of those things that you typically don’t expect, but it works the same nonetheless, but it can be a bit of a surprise if you’re not ready for it.

Let’s just say that no topic is off limits. Married, single, it doesn’t matter. Amount of sex, waxing, PMS, Playboy and some other things that I can’t even print. Granted some ladies are a little shy about sex talk – just get them to a Passion Party and they’ll open up.

I’ve always said I don’t kiss and tell, but I guarantee, if it was something memorable, good or bad, you know it’s going to come up in girl talk. The one thing I’d caution on is that if you sleep with someone and it’s not that great, don’t tell everyone if you plan on dating said person again, otherwise that is all people remember about your new squeeze. If your guy is quick on the draw, I don’t want to be talking to him at a party and worry about saying something accidentally about it. (Can you imagine, he says something witty, you’re like Wow, you’re quick, um, I didn’t mean it like that) .

Some things really are better left to the imagination.

Gossip Girl

Don’t you hate it when someone tells you a juicy piece of gossip and then says, ‘but don’t tell anyone’. Oh, so it’s OK if they spill the beans that someone told them, probably with the same disclaimer of not telling anyone, but then they expect you not to say anything.

Sometimes you find out something so good and then have no one to tell, it’s like you just wish you knew someone that knew the parties involved so you could dish some scoop. I’m not big on speculative gossip, it’s just hurtful, especially if it’s not true, but it’s different if it’s true.

Just recently I heard some tidbits that blew me away, we’re talking married people cheating with married people, people getting fired, restraining orders, lots of drama – but then don’t have anyone to share it with because it’s different circles of friends. And by the way, in case you were wondering, these are like three different groups of people. I could tell you the details, but it’s just not the same if you don’t know them.

Here’s an old joke for you – how do Christians gossip? Prayer requests. Can’t you just hear it, ‘Dear Lord, please pray for Jane Doe, who is fooling around on her husband with her friend’s dad.’ What do you pray, that they don’t get caught? Don’t catch an STD? Get caught in the act?

I used to hear some really good stuff when I worked for city government and was friends with the guys in the police department. They’d totally catch two people hooking up that shouldn’t have been in an orchard, parking lot, or see some married guy’s car at his girlfriends house. Busted.

In case you’re a Gossip Girl fan (I’m hooked on this show), XOXO.

Miser Brothers

The classic Christmas shows are the best.  I’m watching my most favorite (and only favorite) Christmas show of all time, A Year Without a Santa. I love this show because of the Heat Miser and the Cold Miser. I know all the words to the Heat Miser song. I can really identify with the Heat Miser because I love it when it’s warm and summer, the hotter the better. I’m seriously cold blooded, if I didn’t have family and friends here, I would live in Arizona in a heartbeat.

Well it looks like I’m not the only one that likes the Miser brothers. After all these years of this show playing, the Family Channel is coming out with a new Christmas show, The Miser Brothers. I can’t catch the debut Saturday, but I’m sure it will be on again. I also love how the animation is done with these clay-mation type characters.

Speaking of Heat Misers, my dad is now snowbirding in Arizona and having the time of his life. He called me the other day to tell me that he actually had to put long pants on since it had dropped below 80 degrees. He goes to Mexico about twice a week just to have Tequila and lunch.

I’m going to visit in February, I can’t wait. I’ve checked the spring training schedule and it turns out the day I’m traveling is the day that players need to report to baseball camp. Maybe I’ll have a long layover with a baseball player…

Rules to live by

I got two coffee mugs for my birthday this year that are part of the ‘Life is Good’ series. These are just simple reminders to appreciate life for what it is. You know, ‘Smile’, ‘Enjoy’, ‘Live-Love-Laugh’, blah blah blah.

Then I saw these five rules for a happy life and it all clicked. Please enjoy…

Five Rules for Women

1. It’s important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a man who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four men do not know each other.

I’ll take two out of five…

Happy Endings

Is it just me or does anyone else out there get turned on by a massage? Chalk it up to the nakedness, strong hands, warm bed, lotion, rubbing, but I swear I almost hit on my massage practitioner.

I decided to get myself a massage for my birthday present to self. I’d had one a couple months ago from this gal – I got it as a gift certificate – but I really liked her, she’s one of these no chit-chat, get the job done masseuses. This time, I swear, I got a different massage as a paying customer, it was way better.

I’d been going to a massage school for a while – one hour was only 15 bucks. But they were students and every one I went to felt the need to chat for an hour. I’m like, hey, we’re not pals, just do your thing, I’m supposed to be relaxing, not conversing with some stranger. It’s like you don’t come to my work and talk incessantly, so why would I want to talk when you’re supposed to be working? [Side note: if you haven't seen the movie Happy Endings with Lisa Kudrow, you should check it out. Very funny.]

She’s doing her thing and I’m getting totally turned on. I kept thinking of the Seinfeld where George says, ‘it moved’. My mind was racing, I was going to ask her if she was a lesbian and if she was, I was totally going to hit on her. Yes, I know I’m not a lesbian, (not that there’s anything wrong with it), but it was in the heat of the moment. I was seriously going to ask how much a happy ending was, but I thought I’d get arrested and dragged out in a sheet.

Then we got to talking and she mentioned her husband, so that snapped me back into reality. It reminds me when I used to go to massage therapy for my back – I went to a guy that did deep tissue massage. I used to always joke that it was the kind of place where the patient keeps their clothes on, but I could never understand why the massage therapist was naked. That kind of massage was not relaxing either, since it was therapy, it was the kind where my whole body was sore the next day (and not in a good way).

It was still a great present to self. I figured that if I give up a couple of lunches and dinners out a month I can afford to get one once a month. I could cut out a couple of bottles of wine a month too, but I’m not one for self loathing. Next time I’m totally going to have to find a hot masseur… wonder how much he’d charge for a massage with a finish.

My Special Day

Well my special day has come and gone. NHB is feeling a bit under the weather, I’m wondering if my two 12 hour drinking shifts over the weekend had something to do with me getting run down and catching a little cold. My two drinking buddies took me out to dinner for my birthday (they took my picture in a tiara) – it was very low key but a great day. Another guy bud is taking me out to lunch tomorrow. AND I got a ton of phone calls, text messages and emails – thanks girls – love you guys!

So I was driving over to the mall earlier in the day to see if I could find myself a birthday present to self. I stop at this intersection and see this transient with his backpack doing some panhandling. I hate it when they do that, I try not to make eye contact. This guy is stumbling around and trying to get his pack on – it seriously looks like he’s drunk, except then he reaches for a cane and starts hobbling away. I pause for a moment, then the thought hits me…YAY, it’s my freaking birthday! What am I going to buy myself??? I suppose I really should have said a prayer for him or something, but all I could think about was that it was my special day and I deserved a treat to self.

Well I made a pit stop at Value Village to look for my Caribou Barbie Halloween costume inspiration and I found it. You will not believe it. You’ll have to wait til after tomorrow, because I’m not giving this surprise up…let’s just say it’s going to be original. No suit wearing, baby packing, gun toting stereotype for this Palin look-a-like. I think I outdid myself on this one.

I’ll tell you this next year is going to be a good one. Not only did I get lucky and find a lucky penny to kick off my birthday week, but I stopped at a Chinese joint for some soup on the way home and my fortune cookie fortune says, ‘You will be successful in love’ – add the obligatory ‘in bed’ on the end and ding, ding, ding – we have a winner. It’s a good sign.

Happy Freaking Birthday

Well tomorrow’s the big day. I was thinking that I’d skip my birthday again this year because if you skip it and no one remembers it’s not as big of a deal as if you look forward to it and then no one celebrates…then it’s just a big let down. Drawbacks of a small family. I almost sent myself flowers today, but realized that would be pathetic.

Thank God for my friends, they pulled through this year big time! My long distance college girlfriends have allowed me to stretch it out for two weekends now, and my guy drinking buddies are taking me out to dinner tomorrow night.

So even though being single on major holidays and birthdays totally sucks, it’s better than being in a bad relationship and at least I have good friends that I’m totally thankful for. I still don’t have plans for Halloween, which you know is my most favorite holiday and this is the first year in forever that I haven’t got a costume or plans, but oh well.

Open Season

It’s opening weekend of hunting season. Male bonding time. Break out the camouflage, Carharts and orange vests. Elk bugles and deer urine scent. Folks, I’m not talking about cougar hunting, this is serious business; otherwise known ‘hunting widows opening weekend’ or ‘girls night out’.

This used to be my favorite weekend of the year, even better than Halloween or St. Pat’s day. Probably because it was PARTY TIME – the husband was gone and it signaled the start of about 5 weekends of freedom. Stand back non-believers, here comes trouble.

Guys, sorry to break the news, but women plan this shit out for weeks with their sister hunting widows. They might play it off like, oh, we’re going to a purse party or wine tasting. And news flash ladies – some guys strategically plan their ‘hunting camps’ within walking distance of a bar and barely break out their weapons.

I overheard some gals talking about this weekend – one of them was like, my f-ing husband is screwing everything up. He’s going to road hunt and not camp overnight, bastard. You know she’s thinking she won’t be able to go out.

Now that I’m not married, the allure of going out just isn’t there, I can go out anytime I want, and as you know, that’s not a lot, but I still have the freedom. It’s just one of those grass-is-always-greener things – when you’re married you feel like you can’t go out as much, so when you get the chance to bust loose, look out.

Hunting has never been an interest for me, only because I’m such an animal lover that I couldn’t shoot anything. But my dad was a big hunter, I grew up on deer and elk meat, and really it’s much better for you – no preservatives, very lean, so I don’t have a problem with wild game. I just never had the desire to go hunting, except for the hanging around the camp fire drinking, I was into that.

I used to tell my ex-husband that he should worry if I ever took up an interest in going with him – you know there are always hunting accidents every year where a wife ‘accidentally’ shoots her spouse. Hey, I’m just sayin it’s been known to happen. Not that I ever considered it of course…

Blue Monday

The annual exam. Always one of those days that you know is going to be a real treat. Why in the world did I schedule mine for a Monday morning? Like Mondays don’t blow enough as it is.

I get to my appointment, and they tell me that the Dr. is running about 30 minutes behind. Oh super. Since I’m already there I might as well wait it out. Well an hour and 15 minutes later she comes in. Scoot down, clamp on, swab, clamp off, OK, I’m thinking we’re all done. She puts some more lube on and is like, oh I need to do a rectal check. I was like, what did you say? Yes, you heard me right, now that you’re over a certain age, we need to do this quick check. It will only take a minute. But hey, doc, I don’t have a prostrate, what’s the big – HOLY COW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Oh no you just did not do what I think you did – I was totally unprepared, I think it knocked the wind out of me. I got completely violated, I’m still totally grossed out by the whole experience. And because it took so long I had to go straight back to the office. I felt like I had stayed out all night and then had to go to work in the same clothes. Now I’m no prude, but that is one of those sex things that I just don’t get. I don’t care how great people say it is, stay away from my freaking back door.

The only saving grace was that it temporarily took my mind off of my Saturday night activity. I worked drank at a beer festival and was in charge of ‘taking care of the band’ which mostly involved making my way through the crowd to the beer tent and bringing them beer. Unfortunately, I kept filling my glass up each trip. It’s a little vague, but I do remember busting out some dance moves. On the stage. Yes, I (who don’t even freaking like to dance) was dancing on stage. I think I pulled a groin climbing up there too because I can hardly walk today.

To top it off, I got so flustered after my ass got ambushed that I left without my free condoms (hey, I’m still thinking positive). I knew I should have jacked that bottle of lube and gotten something out of it. I’m going to pretend like the last three days didn’t happen – can I get do-overs?