Money can’t buy rhythm

You know how sometimes you think money can buy everything? It can buy love, stuff, fun, nice clothes friends – not the kind of love or friends that I think I want, but some people are into that. I know this one gal that says you should marry the first time for money and the second for love. I’m not sure about that philosophy, but I’d like both the next time around.

News flash, money can’t buy rhythm. One of my service clubs had our big Christmas program today – this group is huge, we’re talking 300+ members – so the events are a pretty big deal. I’m not in with the ‘popular’ crowd, so usually just keep a low profile.

So there’s this totally rich gal in town, we’re talking the who’s who. She’s got the house on the one street that all the wealthy people live and the whole lifestyles of the rich & famous house.

Part of the program was a band and choir (made up of members), which was actually impressive. BUT, for all the $$ this lady’s got, she could not move to the beat. I mean it was like watching a middle schooler do the side -to -side shuffle, kind of like step aerobics without the step. This was before the days that kids ‘grind’ or whatever they call it.

So for all of my broke-ness right now, I’ve at least got some dance moves. I might not have a lot of cashola, but I can shake my booty when its called for. Not like when I do the ‘Elaine’ dance, which seems to entertain a lot of folks, but I had to stop doing it because I think people thought I actually danced like that.

Idaho Barbie

Now that the whole election hype is over (thank God), you won’t see much more on the Palin front (again, thank God). But after my Caribou Barbie experience, I couldn’t resist this. If you’ve ever lived in Idaho, these are spot on for some people. This is really relevant for any state or region, just change the names of the cities.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Idaho market:

COEUR D’ALENE BARBIE
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV (California plates optional), a long-haired foreign dog named “Belle” and a million dollar waterfront home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

LEWISTON BARBIE
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Joe Hall Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily on her shopping trips to Spokane, and has no full-time occupation. She has no idea what Ken does at the mill or ATK. Cell phone and golden retriever dog sold separately.

CALDWELL BARBIE
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

MCCALL BARBIE
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

RURAL PANHANDLE BARBIE
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

BOISE BARBIE
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built spec house in new sub division. The Hidden Springs swinger version comes with a keychain for the swinger house party end-of-the-night key swap.

POCATELLO BARBIE
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Rural Panhandle Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Mobile home optional.

MOSCOW BARBIE
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Moscow Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a free rainbow bumper sticker. (Note: I prefer the red-beer swilling, pool playing, Vandal tailgating sorority sister version.)

MERIDIAN BARBIE
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Warning: it is possible that Meridian Barbie will soon come with an additional infant.

TWIN FALLS BARBIE
She’s perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings. Available with 2.5 kids.

Did I say that out loud?

One of my worst habits is saying things before I think about it and then totally sticking my foot in my mouth and scrambling to diffuse the comment. We coined the term in college – ‘mint flavored shoes’, meaning we hoped we at least had our mint flavored shoes on when we stuck our foot in our mouth.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking out loud? Sometimes I’ll do this when I’m alone or talking to my dog – random thoughts that if someone heard you they’d think you were nuts or a complete moron.

Well, I’ve now found the ultimate ‘tell it like it is, say what you think and don’t mince words’ guy. I just finished reading Chelsea Handler’s first book, and laughed so hard my stomach hurt, so I was telling my girlfriends about it. They told me about this guy who had written a book and it was like a train wreck – he is a self-proclaimed asshole who lives to get drunk and sleep around – but you can’t help reading his stories.

Here’s the tip of the year from NoHostBar – check out TuckerMax.com. I’ve been known to exaggerate how funny things are (no, really?), but I’m not shitting you, this guy is the real freaking deal. Word of warning, he says exactly what he thinks and it is rude, crude, sexist, and obnoxious, but probably the funniest stuff I’ve ever read. I haven’t got his book yet but have been reading some of his top stories on his website. I was crying…I couldn’t even get through a paragraph of one of his stories without breaking into that hysterical, slient, sob-laughing. His book is titled “I hope they serve beer in hell”. [Aside, a friend of a friend met this guy in Vegas, he is just like he says].

Like I really can’t believe he says some of this stuff out loud, or on paper. Word on his site is that he’s filming a movie. I can only imagine that one. I can’t even put an excerpt on here, you have to read it for yourself. Guys, you’re going to love this. Trust me.

BF, here’s your 5-Star Depends Alert – you’d better have some handy, because you won’t believe it!

College Game Day

I love the fall. College football, Kirk Herbstreit, Vandal games, beer & brats, what could be better? I road tripped back to my alma mater in Moscow, Idaho for the home football opener. It was great, and even better, we won. (Don’t act so surprised TC, we’ve just been in a little slump). Let’s hope we don’t have a streak of one win. The couple I met are great friends from the ol’ college days and we try to meet up for at least one game a season. I don’t know why, but I love going back to campus. Maybe because I party like a rock star and try to drink like I was in college again. (Note to self, you are not in college anymore. Hence the killer hangover. I need a Bloody Mary.)

After dinner, my girlfriend was tired and called it a night, so her husband and I hit the local legendary tav, The Corner Club. We were sorely out of place with the college crowd. We realized that we were in the top ten percentile agewise. Kind of humbling…BUT, at least we weren’t the oldest ones! We were definitely the best looking for our age groups. It was a little difficult to scope out guys, since he was sporting his wedding ring. We did manage to get some seats and I wound up talking to this youngster who was a senior. He asked me where I was staying and when I told him the hotel, he was like, “are you staying all by yourself??? You must be a high roller.” Plus I was drinking bottled beer rather than one of the 32 oz. ‘tubs’ of Rainier Beer. Hey, guess what. I actually have a job and can afford to spring for the extra buck and get a bottle. I think he was picking up on me, he made a big deal out of wanting to buy me a beer and kept repeating that I had a room all to myself. Thinking back to the broke college days, it probably was a big deal for him to offer to buy me a drink. Thanks for the interest junior, but no cougar hunting tonight.

Then this other guy was like, hey can I get your picture with my friend? I was a bit perplexed, but said OK. After the photo op, I asked why…his response ‘Sarah Palin’. This is the second time in a week that someone has told me I look like her! It’s got to be the glasses. So if you happen to see a picture on the net of ‘Sarah Palin’ with some really tall guy wearing an Idaho Vandals shirt in a dive bar in the ‘Scow, that would be me. The funny thing is that for the last two years at this same bar, I was Tina Fey – the whole bar was saying ‘Tina Fey’s in the house’ – I guess this year, the VP candidate is in the house. Too funny. There’s my fifteen minutes of celebrity impersonator fame.

I can’t wait for homecoming, at least there will be more age appropriate bar hoppers. I always happen to meet up with old college pals that I haven’t seen since college on homecoming weekend. Who says you can’t go home again?

The Beer Stand

This is hilarious. I can’t stop laughing…