Thank(goodness it’s over)sgiving

Thanksgiving Day is still not one of my favorite holidays, but this is one of my new favorite weekends since we have four days off. I really should have gone into the office to do some work, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. I love having four days off in a row without having to travel or any big plans. Even so, it was an interesting few days. Not your Griswold or Osbourne holiday, but interesting.

I went out Wednesday night so I had a slight hangover Thursday, which it turns out was a good thing. My ex-laws were having the whole family over so I agreed to go over for dinner. Someone remind me on the next holiday that this is NOT a good idea. I know we all get along and everything, birthday parties are fine, but I need to freaking stop punishing myself over the holidays. When the ex and I split up five years ago, it was a Thanksgiving weekend and the holidays were pretty rough that first year. Why dredge up old painful memories? BF, you have my permission to kick my ass if I say I’m doing it again.

My two sisters-in-law called me at about noon to see why I wasn’t there yet. They had just cracked a magnum of wine and gotten in the hot tub. (This is my ex’s sister and his brother’s wife, so technically they are my ex sisters-in-law). I know, you’re thinking why is it sisters-in-law, wouldn’t it be sister-in-laws? It’s like right-of-way, the plural is rights-of-way, don’t ask why, I just know that.

Since I was moving a little slow, I didn’t arrive until about 2 p.m. Said ladies were still in the hot tub and the magnum of wine was gone. They wanted me to join them and I actually got told no by my brother-in-law. He was pissed – they were drunk, dinner wasn’t ready and the girls were still in the hot tub. So I go chat and try to get them in the house.

The sister was like slurring and then she does the, Hey, I need to ask you something. I’m thinking, uh oh, here it comes. Yep, she wants to know all about why we got divorced, married in the first place, how things went downhill, the works. Then they are both talking about me getting back together with the Ex because they want me to be back in the family. Hello, he’s an EX for a reason. I had to remind them that when we were married, none of us girls got along, in fact I was a total bi-atch and hated family events. I was like, take it or leave it, there’s no going back down that road. I’m just thankful I didn’t show up earlier, then I may have been drunk too and said some things I probably would have regretted.

They finally go in the house, the sister goes in and takes a nap, completely misses dinner. I start putting shit in the oven to try and help my bro out, he’s still pissed off. The rest of the family shows up, including the ex and his girlfriend and their kid. The sister-in-law sobers up enough to get the rest of the dinner out, only an hour and a half late. Hey, for once I wasn’t the drunk or late one, it was a refreshing change of pace.

I left fairly early (imagine that). Sounds like it was a good call – they ended up playing poker and my bro almost went to blows with his sister’s husband, who is a complete drunk and apparently a racist and equal opportunity offender as well- he was spouting off about religion, politics, race, sexuality, you name it. Glad I missed those fireworks.

My nephew asked me if I was coming for Christmas, how do you tell an eight year old you don’t want the drama? All in all, it could have been a lot worse. My nephew ended up playing in a basketball tournament the rest of the weekend so I hung out with just the bro & sis-in-law and nephews. He made his first baskets of the season – two free throws – I seriously was so proud that I got teary-eyed.

I know on a scale of dysfunctional family gatherings this was mild. I’m sure there are some good stories out there if anyone cares to share, we’d love to hear.

Inlaws & Outlaws

Every family’s got a black sheep or two, I’m sure mine isn’t the only dysfunctional one out there. There’s always a nutty aunt or some dirty old man that wants to kiss on the lips (not my family, but you know the type). I’ve got some cousins that I wrote off years ago – one was into drugs and subsequently prison, the other is just a loser – can’t hold down a job, kids are deadbeats, you get the drill. My aunt has bailed these two out more times than one can count, bought them houses that they’ve trashed (more than one) and really just reinforced their irresponsible behavior. Now our tax dollars support them.

About ten years ago I decided that life is too short to be around losers that the only thing in common is that our mothers were sisters, so I quit going to family gatherings. I’d plan my trips to visit either before or after the holidays – the stress wasn’t worth it. Now the only time I see them is at funerals, which thank goodness are few and far between.

I normally wouldn’t even think about these two but my recent school lockdown experience jarred my memory. You may recall that I had to visit a middle school as part of that day long leadership class – and there was a lockdown while we were in one of the classrooms because a criminal escaped from the county jail, which was about a mile away.

I’m reading the paper the next morning to see if they caught the jailbird and lo and behold, recognize the escapee. Turns out he’s like one of the most notorious career criminals from the Spokane area, and he had made a break for it then forced an acquaintance to drive him halfway to Spokane.

Remember my cousin that was in and out of drugs? You guessed it. She and this guy go WAY back – we’re talking back to high school (that’s when I met him, he used to be one of those bad boys that was decent looking, until the meth took over).

The details are a little foggy because frankly I don’t care and didn’t keep in touch. But I guess they kept in contact or went out on again-off again. This guy has been in and out of jail (over something like 45 times). I guess on one of his visit, he and my cousin were together and he must have wanted her to smuggle some drugs into jail. So the dumbshit mails him drugs. Yes, tries to mail him drugs. I can just hear this over visiting hours, “Hey baby, you know I really need a fix, any chance you could smuggle me in some horse? No, here’s a better idea, why don’t you send me a letter and put them in there, they’ll never notice.” Sure enough, she gets busted, then they both end up in jail.

So she finally gets out of jail, then is busted for trying to buy drugs from an undercover agent. If you ask her, she was totally set up. Yeah right – give me a freaking break. Back to jail. She was in the pen for a few years. She gets out on parole and gets a job at McDonald’s – then gets busted for identity theft – she was memorizing people’s check numbers (or credit card #’s) in the drive through. That’ll make you think twice before you write a check again, huh??? I guess that might be a reason to start using my card as a debit.

I don’t know if the loser who busted out contacted her or if they are still in touch – this isn’t the first time he’s broken out of jail – but I was a CrimeStoppers tipster both times anyways. Even if she’s not guilty of harboring a fugitive, I’m sure she’s guilty of something.

The MILF next door

Long story short:  My dad went through a really nasty divorce over the past few months.  It was one of those marriages that had been over for years but she still resorted to mudslinging, cleaning out bank accounts and badmouthing him.  I’ve had to set up all his accounts online so she couldn’t have access – big pain.  So my dad has a renter that lives on the same property and he is now dating said renter.  A little awkward, since now it’s not like he can conveniently break up with her.

In my monthly review of his bills, I’m looking at the cable bill.  I see a listing for “The MILF Next Door” and I’m thinking, ‘Oh Crap, that biatch has hacked into our account and changed the name on the rental account just to be spiteful’.  Unbelievable. 

Well…upon further review, I realize that it’s a porn charge!  I’m pretty sure it’s her deadbeat son dialing up some MILF action.  But just in case, I’m not going to ask a question that I really don’t want to know the answer to – who would be more embarrassed if he was doing a little pay per view – him or me?  I’ll have to tell him where to find the free stuff on After Hours cable.