Welcome to my Boring Life

Well it just dawned on me that I am officially boring.  I had dinner tonight with two of my single girlfriends and have realized that ‘I got nothing’.  I could talk all day about what SJ is up to or doing, but when it comes to me, there’s nothing to talk about.  Now, if I had time to date, maybe we’d have a little dating story, but as a single parent, who has time?

The Truth about Girl Talk

Guys I’m going to answer something that you always wondered. What do girls really talk about? Now if you’re a Sex and the City fan, you already know the answer. We talk about sex, men, vibrators, size, and more sex. We also talk about other women, kids, shoes, food, work and volunteering, among other things. Personally, I think women are way worse than men when it comes to raunchy topics. I’ve had times where girls would talk about things that would make our guy friends blush.

Not too long ago, I was over at a girlfriend’s house for dinner. There were four of us there; (‘M’ who’s got a boyfriend, ‘J’ who has crazy wild sex with a guy but isn’t serious, ‘V’ who just got out of a six year relationship (and he’s her only ‘one’) and yours truly, who isn’t currently sleeping with anyone and had a first date with a guy that same day.

We’re at the dinner table enjoying a nice dinner and some wine and the conversation quickly turns to sex. M says she hasn’t been able to climax with her boyfriend, that she only can with her Magic Bullet vibrator. So I suggest she go back to basic masturbation and not use the bullet for a while, or introduce it into the bedroom. She says tonights the night and was planning on bringing some toys in that night, pass the wine.

Then we get on to the fellatio discussion. M says they don’t have oral sex because she has TMJ and that he doesn’t reciprocate because she doesn’t enjoy it. I say poor guy to that but also that someone isn’t doing something right, how could she not love it? We stay on this topic for a while, there’s a lot to discuss.

In hindsight it seems like I had a lot to comment on regarding our table talk. Maybe it’s because I’m a few years older so of course, a bit more seasoned when it comes to the bedroom. Let’s face it, you can’t live in a sorority with 65 women for three years, and then be married and not have some good stories. Even if a single woman sleeps with one or two people a year (not a weekend), over a ten year period, that’s over 20 people to compare notes on.

I’ve also recently had the discussion re: circumcised vs. uncircumcised with one of my girlfriends. Now I’ve seen all the Sex and the City episodes and don’t ever remember it coming up, but that would have been a funny one. It’s just one of those things that you typically don’t expect, but it works the same nonetheless, but it can be a bit of a surprise if you’re not ready for it.

Let’s just say that no topic is off limits. Married, single, it doesn’t matter. Amount of sex, waxing, PMS, Playboy and some other things that I can’t even print. Granted some ladies are a little shy about sex talk – just get them to a Passion Party and they’ll open up.

I’ve always said I don’t kiss and tell, but I guarantee, if it was something memorable, good or bad, you know it’s going to come up in girl talk. The one thing I’d caution on is that if you sleep with someone and it’s not that great, don’t tell everyone if you plan on dating said person again, otherwise that is all people remember about your new squeeze. If your guy is quick on the draw, I don’t want to be talking to him at a party and worry about saying something accidentally about it. (Can you imagine, he says something witty, you’re like Wow, you’re quick, um, I didn’t mean it like that) .

Some things really are better left to the imagination.

Generation Gap

You know the old saying, ‘when it rains, it pours’, well I just went from a complete dating drought to a rainstorm. All of the sudden I’ve got three potential interests in the pipeline.

Even more interesting is that they are from three different generations. Now, me being a story whore, maybe one or two of them are just there for writing inspiration, but that’s beside the point. I just heard this on Californication – sometimes my whore logic gets fu$&*d up. this is so true, sometimes my dating logic gets skewed somewhere in between not wanting to be alone and dating the wrong guy.

So you’re saying, spill it sister. What’s the scoop? I’ll tell you about Mr. X, Y and Z, but the letters don’t necessarily coincide with their generational labels.

Mr. X: I met this guy a while ago, but we saw each other out right before Thanksgiving, hit it off and ended up doing a little smooching. That was about it, but then he never called afterwards, so I chalked it up to him being in his early 30′s. Didn’t really think much of it until this weekend when I see him out. We got over the awkwardness of why he didn’t call and ended up getting a little cozy at the bar.

Mr. Y: We had a blind date on New Year’s Day for a few beers, then I’ve seen him a couple of times since then. He’s got his kids every other weekend so it’s kind of a challenge to see him. He’s in his early 40′s, a good dad (which I really like about a guy) and makes me laugh. We’re supposed to have dinner soon.

Mr. Z: I ran into this guy at an out of town function, we got to talking; he’s in a high profile position in the town I work in. He’s interested in me but unfortunately he’s also married…even though he says it’s over and they are pretty much living apart. Note, I said ‘pretty much’ so it’s not a done deal. His son went out with one of my friends. He’s old enough to be the father of Mr. X or one of my old boyfriends.

Age isn’t really that big of a deal to me, it’s like race. At least I like to think it doesn’t make a difference. I’ve gone out with guys that are older or younger and guys are guys, there are some generational differences but they aren’t deal breakers. But here is one big thing I worry about when going out with someone over the age of 40. What if they need ‘the little blue pill’? You know, health issues start creeping up, what if he can’t get ‘in the mood’ without a little help? Even worse, what if he has a freaking heart attack or stroke? Then am I obligated to stay with him – flashbacks from a Seinfeld episode.

I’m not sure I’m ‘up’ for it…but I’ll bet it would make for a good story.

The Rules

You’ve all heard these dating rules, something about the woman is always right, blah blah blah. I’ve got some personal rules to add, but might need some help clarifying. Here’s my top three (maybe four):

Number One rule. No married guys – it’s a complete waste of time if they are married or living apart but haven’t freaking filed yet. But I’m now running into a gray area here. What about someone going through a divorce? What if their divorce has been going on for over two years? How do you define it, that they’ve actually FILED for divorce? I’ll take some input on this. Personally, I think I’m calling bulls&*( on this, I’ve been divorced and it only took 90 days. Granted we didn’t have custody or alimony issues, but still, come on. Two+ years?

Number Two. No threesomes. Sorry guys, I know you all have this big fantasy about girl-on-girl, but I’m not interested. I think the only time people want to do a threesome is so they can get a free pass to cheat on their SO or spouse. I had a friend of mine tell me her husband wanted to have a threesome with me one time. Besides the big EWWWW, I knew the only reason he mentioned it because he wanted to sleep with me but knew I wouldn’t since I was friends with his wife. I should also mention that he was the work partner of my EX boyfriend. Nice, freaking cops.

Number Three: I personally don’t sleep with more than one person at a time. This would be different than a threesome, more like a ‘one woman man’ rule. I mean if I’m dating more than one person, and happen to sleep with one of them, then I won’t sleep with the other ones. Or if I’m regularly having sex with a guy I won’t have sex with another guy, even if we’re not serious and it happens to be in a different area code. So here’s my dilemma – who gets priority? What if you meet someone, maybe not sleep with them, but want to at a later date, then you don’t talk to the guy for a while, start dating someone else, but then run into the first guy out and about and end up hooking up? I know that’s hard to follow, but work with me here. I’m having a flashback of being in the Department of Motor Vehicles and taking a number. I guess when you’re totally done with your number you can move on? I’m not sure on this one.

I’ll have to get back to you all on Number Three. I still haven’t figured it out. I guess wait and see what happens with Door #1 before opening Door #2. Door #3 is really going to have to wait, especially if he hasn’t filed yet.

My big question is where were all these guys six months ago?

Blast from the Past

Boy I don’t know what the new change-o-year has to do with blasts from the pasts is, but this is something. And it happens to coincide with an actual date of a real life decent guy.

I know I haven’t updated for a while, but chalk it up to being busy, single and facebook. Sorry but Facebook is where it’s at now. MySpace is out.

So I know there’s a lot to chat about since I had a couple of dates (with the same guy even). More later on the new guy.

Get this, I’ve had three recent blasts from the past.

1. One of my guy pals that I went from 1st grade on through school got in touch via classmates.com.;

2. My high school crush now wants to be my friend on facebook. Hey, dude, you should have went out with me then. Sorry, but I saw you at out ten year reunion and I looked way better than you did.

3. And then after a Broadway production of Movin Out (which rocked), I ran into the ONE GUY that I could have gone pretty much the rest of my life without wanting to see again. This is one of those guys that messes with your head and is bad news. Let’s just say we have history.  Turns out he’s now working at the new Yakima hot spot. Great…now I have to avoid that shit too. I so should have moved out of state…those damn nephews of mine have made it virtually impossible for me to leave.

I wonder if all these past connections are some sort of test – you know to maybe make me appreciate the new guy that I’m dating?

Match Angel

The key to setting people up is to find people that may have things in common so they at least have something to talk about when they first meet. I’ve recently made a new friend who has taken it upon himself to find me a man. My match angel (MA) said he’s got a pretty good track record of matchmaking – he set up two couples who are now married.

This guy is really funny, he’s an older gentleman, married and on the board of a service club I just joined. We talked at a new member event and really hit it off, ever since then, he’s kind of like an unofficial mentor and I think he feels a little sorry for me since I don’t have much family here and am fairly new to living in town. We go out to lunch about once a month, and now he is on a mission to match me up with.

I’ll have to admit though, MA’s got good taste. I get an email last month saying that he’s just heard of a break up and that there’s a new bachelor on the market – he’s tall, good looking and a bank manager – and he wants to know if he should talk to him about asking me out. We decide to hold off since I’ll be seeing said bachelor at an event and will see how things go there. He showed up with a date that looked a lot older and pretty rough, so I wonder about his judgment. MA saw him at another event this week and he was still with her, so we think he’s the kind of guy that can’t be alone and always has to have a girlfriend.

Two weeks ago I was at another holiday event and MA tracks me down and says, I think I found one! Do you know So & So? I do know SS – he’s hot, and a financial advisor. MA says he told SS what I was wearing so he can scope me out.

I’m telling you, MA is relentless, he takes it one step further, freaking calls the guy to see if he’ll be attending a young professionals meeting next week (that I’ll be at too) and asks if he’s interested in meeting me. Then MA tells me at our club meeting that my assignment at the function is to go up to SS and introduce myself and say I understand we have a friend in common. It feels like we are on a covert spy operation.

This could be interesting. I’m wondering if I should just call him and see if he wants to meet for coffee, I’m not sure I can take the pressure. I guess after a couple of drinks I’ll get the nerve up. I’ll keep you posted…

Three Hour Call

I think I have a new love interest…What, you say, where did this come from? You know how when you first meet someone, you can spend hours talking on the phone, or staying up all night talking about anything and everything.

It started last week when my Blackberry stopped receiving emails. I had to go the whole freaking four day weekend without all those important work emails. I tried troubleshooting for a couple hours on Wednesday to no avail. So I figure this morning I’ll tackle it and call customer support.

Four transfers and forty-five minutes later I finally end up with the official Crackberry support guy, Chris. He takes me through some basic troubleshooting, still nothing. Then I sign into some website so he can view my desktop (which is kind of freaky how easy it was, hello Enemy of the State or Conspiracy Theory).

After a half hour, I’m like, geez this guy has a great voice. I love how when I do something he says, that’s perfect, we’re going to get you all hooked up, I have all day. Then we’re waiting for something to reboot and so we’re just chatting. Then he was like, hey, I’ll set you up with a cool feature for your Pearl - there’s a way to change the track ball color – so we got that set up too.

Well, after three hours (yes, three hours) of being on the phone we hit a brick wall and couldn’t go any further until I could get some email server information from our IT folks. Plus my ears hurt, my neck was cramped and I was exhausted. And my freaking email still didn’t work. So I had to say goodbye to Chris and his sexy voice. I thought we really hit it off though. Too bad he lives in Canada and is probably some geek squad type guy.

I finally get a hold of our IT gal, and get this. She has my problem fixed in less than five minutes. I’m like, are you freaking kidding me, I spent three hours on the phone and the only thing I got out of it is a track ball that can change to nine different colors and a neck ache?

Look on the bright side, I did get to hear some guy tell me he’s got all day to solve my problems. Maybe he wants to be phone pals…I swear by the end of the phone call I would have done a striptease if we had web cams.

Murphy’s Law of Avoidance

Isn’t it always the case when you are trying to avoid someone, then you always run head on into them? When I lived in a smaller town this would always happen at the grocery store. You see someone and you’re like, OK, they’re at the deli, if I get my produce, then go along the back aisles, maybe I can miss them, they’re probably on the way to check out. Then you turn a corner and BAM, there they are, then you’re stuck chit-chatting or trying to be polite while thinking of an excuse to not stop and talk.

Wednesday night, I went with one of my girlfriends to the opening of a new restaurant – it is way cool, totally like you’d see in a bigger metro area. It used to be a sleazy nightclub, so it’s a huge improvement. Turns out that it was the place to be seen in town that night – I think everyone who’s anyone was out. Including this one guy that I dated maybe twice two summers ago. Every time I see him now he wants to give me a hug and chat. I’m like, dude, you weren’t my type then, nothing’s changed.

Yep, sure enough I was trying to avoid him, end up going to the restroom and who’s walking down the hall? He was like all slurring, Hey, I’m drunk. You know I think you’re really cool, right? Too bad that thing didn’t work out with us. I’m thinking ugh, he wasn’t my type at all, but I was trying something new – just go out with anyone that asks. Even if they are a sweater-vest white-pants-wearing politician dork. I guarantee he’s going to regret that the next day if he remembers saying it.

UPDATE:  You’ll never believe this but I saw this guy the Monday after this happened.  He happened to be in my building for a meeting and I couldn’t avoid him.  He was like, Hey, weren’t you at the Grill last week? I start laughing and say yes and then he says, I hope I didn’t say anything bad, did I? I didn’t have the heart to tell him he made an ass out of himself, I figured Karma would come back to haunt me if I did, I mean it’s not like I’ve ever said anything I regretted.  But I almost reconsidered when he followed me into my office to chit chat, don’t push your luck buddy.

Rules to live by

I got two coffee mugs for my birthday this year that are part of the ‘Life is Good’ series. These are just simple reminders to appreciate life for what it is. You know, ‘Smile’, ‘Enjoy’, ‘Live-Love-Laugh’, blah blah blah.

Then I saw these five rules for a happy life and it all clicked. Please enjoy…

Five Rules for Women

1. It’s important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a man who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four men do not know each other.

I’ll take two out of five…

The One

I have a new quest in life right now, it’s not to find myself a date, but for one of my friends. One of the gals I went to the dive bar on Friday with just broke up with her boyfriend of six years two weeks ago. She’d had a couple of cocktails and is talking about their relationship – and then drops the bomb that he is the only person she’s ever slept with. Yes, I said ONLY, as in UNO, as in ONE.

Which is pretty cool, but it’s just out of my realm of possibility. I’m thinking to myself holy shit, I’ve only slept with one person this month. Granted I’m a little older than she is, and I suppose if I had a high school sweetheart for six years, I probably would only have slept with one person at her age too.

The other gal and I think she really needs to date a little to see how it is. Or in my case to see how it isn’t. We thought about suggesting online dating, but I think it might scare her off. I think about one out of four guys online are legitimate so I wouldn’t want her to get creeped out her first time trying.

I’m looking forward to this next mission.