Idaho Barbie

Now that the whole election hype is over (thank God), you won’t see much more on the Palin front (again, thank God). But after my Caribou Barbie experience, I couldn’t resist this. If you’ve ever lived in Idaho, these are spot on for some people. This is really relevant for any state or region, just change the names of the cities.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Idaho market:

COEUR D’ALENE BARBIE
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV (California plates optional), a long-haired foreign dog named “Belle” and a million dollar waterfront home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.

LEWISTON BARBIE
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Joe Hall Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily on her shopping trips to Spokane, and has no full-time occupation. She has no idea what Ken does at the mill or ATK. Cell phone and golden retriever dog sold separately.

CALDWELL BARBIE
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you are talking about.

MCCALL BARBIE
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.

RURAL PANHANDLE BARBIE
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken’s butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

BOISE BARBIE
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built spec house in new sub division. The Hidden Springs swinger version comes with a keychain for the swinger house party end-of-the-night key swap.

POCATELLO BARBIE
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Rural Panhandle Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Mobile home optional.

MOSCOW BARBIE
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Moscow Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a free rainbow bumper sticker. (Note: I prefer the red-beer swilling, pool playing, Vandal tailgating sorority sister version.)

MERIDIAN BARBIE
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Warning: it is possible that Meridian Barbie will soon come with an additional infant.

TWIN FALLS BARBIE
She’s perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings. Available with 2.5 kids.