Murphy’s Law of Avoidance

Isn’t it always the case when you are trying to avoid someone, then you always run head on into them? When I lived in a smaller town this would always happen at the grocery store. You see someone and you’re like, OK, they’re at the deli, if I get my produce, then go along the back aisles, maybe I can miss them, they’re probably on the way to check out. Then you turn a corner and BAM, there they are, then you’re stuck chit-chatting or trying to be polite while thinking of an excuse to not stop and talk.

Wednesday night, I went with one of my girlfriends to the opening of a new restaurant – it is way cool, totally like you’d see in a bigger metro area. It used to be a sleazy nightclub, so it’s a huge improvement. Turns out that it was the place to be seen in town that night – I think everyone who’s anyone was out. Including this one guy that I dated maybe twice two summers ago. Every time I see him now he wants to give me a hug and chat. I’m like, dude, you weren’t my type then, nothing’s changed.

Yep, sure enough I was trying to avoid him, end up going to the restroom and who’s walking down the hall? He was like all slurring, Hey, I’m drunk. You know I think you’re really cool, right? Too bad that thing didn’t work out with us. I’m thinking ugh, he wasn’t my type at all, but I was trying something new – just go out with anyone that asks. Even if they are a sweater-vest white-pants-wearing politician dork. I guarantee he’s going to regret that the next day if he remembers saying it.

UPDATE:  You’ll never believe this but I saw this guy the Monday after this happened.  He happened to be in my building for a meeting and I couldn’t avoid him.  He was like, Hey, weren’t you at the Grill last week? I start laughing and say yes and then he says, I hope I didn’t say anything bad, did I? I didn’t have the heart to tell him he made an ass out of himself, I figured Karma would come back to haunt me if I did, I mean it’s not like I’ve ever said anything I regretted.  But I almost reconsidered when he followed me into my office to chit chat, don’t push your luck buddy.

Husband of the Year

There’s some good stories out there for Husband of the Year – I love that one email out there with photos of couples – the guy is usually carrying the beer and the woman has got everything else. But here are two real life examples of good husband behavior that I’ve observed in the last month.

One couple I know was at this big fundraiser – one of the big ticket items in the live auction was a trip to fashion week where the winner gets to meet Heidi Klum and visit the Project Runway set. Way cool – well this guy knows his wife really wants to go so he gets in a bidding war, but keeps on bidding – and gets it for her for a cool $7,000. Pocket change huh??? And he’s even letting her take a girlfriend and staying home with the kids while she’s gone.

This is a good one too – Thanksgiving morning. I had to run to the store to get butter and non-stick cooking spray (that tells you how much I bake). The place is packed, so I get into a line behind a guy buying maxi-pads. I’m like you know he didn’t want to make that store run, but he probably didn’t have a choice, especially if she’s got PMS. The funniest part was that he also was buying a six-pack of Keystone Light – the 16 ouncers. I figured he was like, hey, I’m not just buying these pads. I’ve got to retain some shred of manhood, so I’m not just buying beer, I’m going for the big cans.

I know there are some other good stories out there – most of my friends’ husbands would do anything for them. Maybe it was just my (ex) husband that was the insensitive one. I remember one time I had the flu and hadn’t eaten for about three days. I just wanted him to get me some soup and Sprite. Do you think he’d go to the store? Finally I think he went to a mini-mart and got me some Gatorade but you’d have thought I asked him to donate a kidney or something. Another reason to remember why he’s an EX.

Smooth move Ex-Lax

This is one of those old sayings my dad used to say all the time. I was telling my BF that I finally went to the Dr. for my recent toe injury that wasn’t healing right and she texts ‘Smooth Move Ex Lax’. Little did she know…

The injury was a result of a slight 3 a.m. mishap on Halloween night. It’s bad enough that I chipped my glasses and frames, still have a scar on my forehead, and now my big toe has been on injured reserve for over three weeks.

Apparently I should have gone in earlier, now it has gotten infected (gross) and I’m on some high powered antibiotics. The pharmacist was kind enough to tell me that one of the side effects is diarreah, hey thanks, I appreciate it. Let me just say without going into details that she wasn’t fucking around. Then she tells me to eat lots of yogurt because the other side effect is yeast infections. Hey, just keeps getting better. So far, so good there. Let’s just say I’m sticking close to home for the next 10 days and eating lots of cheese.

The best news is that if the infection doesn’t clear up, I’m going to have to have part of my toenail removed. Ick -now that’s really got to hurt. My doc says that it only hurts when they give you a shot under your toenail, then she says that it grows back in about six months. I’m like, holy cow, I think I’m going to wet my pants thinking of that pain, but thanks for the warning. My co-worker reiterates this pain by telling me that he had this done once and the shot hurt like hell compared to the actual procedure.

Six months to grow back?!?! Thank goodness it’s winter so no one can see my toes. For once it’s a good thing I’m not sleeping with anyone. Lesson learned – don’t put off getting stitches or going to the doctor when you think you should, it can come back to haunt you.

Inlaws & Outlaws

Every family’s got a black sheep or two, I’m sure mine isn’t the only dysfunctional one out there. There’s always a nutty aunt or some dirty old man that wants to kiss on the lips (not my family, but you know the type). I’ve got some cousins that I wrote off years ago – one was into drugs and subsequently prison, the other is just a loser – can’t hold down a job, kids are deadbeats, you get the drill. My aunt has bailed these two out more times than one can count, bought them houses that they’ve trashed (more than one) and really just reinforced their irresponsible behavior. Now our tax dollars support them.

About ten years ago I decided that life is too short to be around losers that the only thing in common is that our mothers were sisters, so I quit going to family gatherings. I’d plan my trips to visit either before or after the holidays – the stress wasn’t worth it. Now the only time I see them is at funerals, which thank goodness are few and far between.

I normally wouldn’t even think about these two but my recent school lockdown experience jarred my memory. You may recall that I had to visit a middle school as part of that day long leadership class – and there was a lockdown while we were in one of the classrooms because a criminal escaped from the county jail, which was about a mile away.

I’m reading the paper the next morning to see if they caught the jailbird and lo and behold, recognize the escapee. Turns out he’s like one of the most notorious career criminals from the Spokane area, and he had made a break for it then forced an acquaintance to drive him halfway to Spokane.

Remember my cousin that was in and out of drugs? You guessed it. She and this guy go WAY back – we’re talking back to high school (that’s when I met him, he used to be one of those bad boys that was decent looking, until the meth took over).

The details are a little foggy because frankly I don’t care and didn’t keep in touch. But I guess they kept in contact or went out on again-off again. This guy has been in and out of jail (over something like 45 times). I guess on one of his visit, he and my cousin were together and he must have wanted her to smuggle some drugs into jail. So the dumbshit mails him drugs. Yes, tries to mail him drugs. I can just hear this over visiting hours, “Hey baby, you know I really need a fix, any chance you could smuggle me in some horse? No, here’s a better idea, why don’t you send me a letter and put them in there, they’ll never notice.” Sure enough, she gets busted, then they both end up in jail.

So she finally gets out of jail, then is busted for trying to buy drugs from an undercover agent. If you ask her, she was totally set up. Yeah right – give me a freaking break. Back to jail. She was in the pen for a few years. She gets out on parole and gets a job at McDonald’s – then gets busted for identity theft – she was memorizing people’s check numbers (or credit card #’s) in the drive through. That’ll make you think twice before you write a check again, huh??? I guess that might be a reason to start using my card as a debit.

I don’t know if the loser who busted out contacted her or if they are still in touch – this isn’t the first time he’s broken out of jail – but I was a CrimeStoppers tipster both times anyways. Even if she’s not guilty of harboring a fugitive, I’m sure she’s guilty of something.

The Dull-drums

This time of year I always get the blues, doldrums, SAD, whatever you call it, or all of the above. I know they say that Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can bring on winter depression, must be something to do with the fact that it really is depressing to go to work and come home when it’s dark out. Add the cold weather in and no wonder it’s depressing. I used to work with a guy that got this, he had this ‘grow light’ in his office that he turned on for a few hours a day. My dad is in Arizona right now and it’s 90 degrees. I can’t wait to go visit.

Symptoms include depression, sleeping more (would going to bed at 7 p.m. count?), social withdrawal (who needs to leave the house?), craving carbs (is beer a carb?), hopelessness (I swear I’m never going to meet someone) and energy loss. This could explain why I have no inspiration for writing right now. Normally I think of a couple things a day to talk about, but right now it’s a challenge.

I blame it on the impending holidays. I don’t really want to travel this year and really am looking forward to the four day weekend. But I’m going to the ex-laws for Thanksgiving – the Ex’s whole family there and his girlfriend and kid will be there. It’s not really that big of a deal, but it’s always a little awkward. I’m pretty sure it would be easier if I was seeing someone, at least I wouldn’t always be the fifth wheel. I’m going to make an appearance, but then skip out and just say I’ve got to make another stop. Just remember, it’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship.

All in all, it could be a lot worse. I was at the doctor’s office yesterday and overheard a lady talking to her daughter – she only had five dollars to get through the end of the month. I was reaching in my purse to give her some money and they called my name so I didn’t get a chance – I wish I had taken the time to slip her a twenty.

I’ve suffered with SAD over the years, but one thing that always takes your mind off of it is to do something for someone else. If I get really bummed out, I can always put a sympathy call in to my mother. We have this thing where if we just want a little sympathy, we’ll call and say, “this is a sympathy call” which prompts us to listen and be sympathetic. We have to announce it because she and I typically lack empathy so we need to be reminded.

Either that, or I guess I could start tanning to get some fake sun…now that’s a good idea.

LockUp, LockDown

Today was a first for me. I was participating in this painful one day a month leadership class. Today’s focus was on education. To get a hands-on feel for the school system we broke into small groups and visited a different school. The middle school my group went to is seriously located ‘in the hood’ – one of the poorest parts of town which happens to be about 90% Mexican (some people say Hispanic/Latino to sound PC, but they are really from Mexico so technically it’s more culturally aware to say Mexican).

I’ve got this 7th grader as my tour guide, Cesar, who happens to be an ASB officer, and I’m sure was mortified at having to escort some lady (probably older than his mother) around to observe four different classrooms. We were there for two hours, which was more than enough time to observe middle schoolers in their natural habitat.

We’re into the third of four classes when all the sudden we hear, “Attention…Attention” come over the loudspeaker. My ears perk up again when I hear the attention call again – “Attention, we are now in lockdown. Repeat, we are now in a lockdown”. Kids are kind of looking around, I’m like WTF, my guide is like, oh I hope we don’t have to get under the desks. I’m shitting my pants at this point thinking we’re going to be stuck in this classroom all freaking day. I have to give some credit to the teacher, it didn’t phase him one bit, he didn’t even acknowledge it. Didn’t even blink.

The mystery voice repeats the message that it’s an ‘external lockdown’, which it turns out is good news. It means that they’ve locked all the doors to the outside and no one can come in our out. Why is this good news? At least we can leave the classroom to go the restroom or the cafeteria if it turns out we are in lockdown all day. The other plus is that they were having Cheese Zombies for lunch, which apparently is a big hit with students and adults. I used to work with a firefighter who was on the lunch lady’s list of people to call on Cheese Zombie day – and he’d go have lunch with the kids.

Once our tours wrapped up, we were able to find out the reason for the lockdown was that some criminal escaped from the county jail, which is about a mile away. Strictly precautionary purposes. Thank goodness, I thought some pissed off dad went ballistic because he had to pay too much child support or had limited custody. Whew, only a criminal on the loose in the neighborhood, what a relief.

It took me a couple of hours to get over the anxiety of the experience. I can’t believe my nephews and people that I know that work in schools have to deal with this BS. I mentioned this later when we reconvened and the Assistant District Superintendent looked at me like I was overreacting, ‘They do these drills all the time’. I’m like, dude, this wasn’t a freaking drill, this was for real. A drill is when you plan it for strictly practice purposes, I don’t care what they call it, but they were on high alert. When we left the school we saw at least three cop cars in the vicinity.

On the bright side, we did get Cheese Zombies for lunch, and they are pretty tasty. They are like a baked toasted cheese sandwich – bread with some horribly unhealthy processed cheese like Velveeta in the middle. After sitting through the rest of the day, I’m not so sure that I wouldn’t have rather been in lockdown instead of suffering through a bunch of dull panel presentations.

Rules to live by

I got two coffee mugs for my birthday this year that are part of the ‘Life is Good’ series. These are just simple reminders to appreciate life for what it is. You know, ‘Smile’, ‘Enjoy’, ‘Live-Love-Laugh’, blah blah blah.

Then I saw these five rules for a happy life and it all clicked. Please enjoy…

Five Rules for Women

1. It’s important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a man who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a man who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a man who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four men do not know each other.

I’ll take two out of five…

The One

I have a new quest in life right now, it’s not to find myself a date, but for one of my friends. One of the gals I went to the dive bar on Friday with just broke up with her boyfriend of six years two weeks ago. She’d had a couple of cocktails and is talking about their relationship – and then drops the bomb that he is the only person she’s ever slept with. Yes, I said ONLY, as in UNO, as in ONE.

Which is pretty cool, but it’s just out of my realm of possibility. I’m thinking to myself holy shit, I’ve only slept with one person this month. Granted I’m a little older than she is, and I suppose if I had a high school sweetheart for six years, I probably would only have slept with one person at her age too.

The other gal and I think she really needs to date a little to see how it is. Or in my case to see how it isn’t. We thought about suggesting online dating, but I think it might scare her off. I think about one out of four guys online are legitimate so I wouldn’t want her to get creeped out her first time trying.

I’m looking forward to this next mission.

Made in Heaven

Friday Night Happy Hour. A couple of girlfriends and I have decided to branch out from the usual happy hour drinking spots and tried a new one last night. Our real goal is to hit every dive bar in the county just for the experience. We went to a spot in one of the suburbs of our town, which is really less than five miles away and almost closer than some of the other areas. The intended spot apparently picks up for the night-time dance crowd; we walked in at 6:30 p.m. and there were about 8 people there. Uh, no thanks. Maybe later. This place has to have good nightlife, we know of two recently-married couples that met there.

We had passed this tavern on the way in that was packed – looked like a working man’s local bar – so we decided to venture over to the T-n-T Lounge. I’m like, hey, I’m more comfortable in a dive bar than anywhere else and anything that reminds me of an AC/DC song has to be good. TNT, it’s dynomite…

The three of us walk in and this young guy yells out to me, “Hey, Ma’am, your tag is hanging out”. So I’m reaching around to fix my collar on my new super-cute short trenchcoat to fix said tag and he said, “Yeah, it says Made in Heaven.” We were like, NO WAY, he did not just say that. Then we got carded, so it was off to a double-good start.

But wait, there’s more. We sit at the bar, have a couple of beers, this guy has a a few more on top of what must have been A LOT, then he starts talking more – he was like, Hey, your tag is still hanging out. And some comments about what he wanted to do with my glasses. It was still funny at this point. I was like, Are you looking for a cougar tonight? He was pretty cute, so at this point, I’m not shutting him down for a lame pick up line.

Few more beers later he throws his phone, yes, THROWS his phone up to the bar where we’re sitting, comes over and then is doing this type of bend-and-snap dance to get my attention, rubbing his ass up against my leg. It might have been sexy if he wasn’t so loaded. We are howling at this point. He’s swaying and stumbling, I almost felt sorry for him so I grab a dollar and stick it in the waistband of his jeans.

His friend finally comes over and shuttles the guy out and says he just flew in from Vegas earlier that day and had been drinking since he left. And he goes on to say that he wasn’t really a close friend, but he was kind of cute too, and bought us a drink, so we’ll definitely go back to the T-n-T, we even chatted with some of the locals there who were hilarious. They even wanted us to stay for karaoke. Beer was cheap, I see how they keep there overhead down, one of the girls was drinking screwdrivers and when she ordered a refill, they used the same glass.

For some reason, I just love dive bars, probably from my college days of working in one to support my drinking habits college education. I’ll have to do a summary one of these days because I’ve got some good ones.

Do the ChaCha

I just found out about a super cool thing. Remember ‘Ask Jeeves’, and now ‘Ask.com’, where you can email a question and then get an answer? Well now in this new mobile world there’s ChaCha. This is a free mobile answer service that you can call or text a question to and it will text you an answer back within minutes. So if you really can’t wait to get to a computer, you can call or text and get instantaneous results! This is perfect for people that either need instant gratification or have ADHD. Text ChaCha (242242) or call (1.800.2ChaCha).

For example, I’m out last night at a Tav with some girlfriends. One of them had a date with a guy who is a Libra – she’s like, what are the characteristics of a Libra? We didn’t know for sure, so she’s like, let’s ask ChaCha – sure enough within a few minutes we had the answer. Way cool!

The only downside is that you’d better have your trivia facts straight because you can totally get called out if someone doesn’t believe what you say.