If my life had a sound right now, it would be from Knocked Up, when the brother-in-law (Paul Rudd) asks his wife if she wants to have sex that night. She’s brushing her teeth and lets out a cross between the F-bomb, a grunt and UGH, throw a scoff in there and you get it. If I could write it, it’d be something like F&*UGHhhh. It’s like you want to say are you fucking kidding me, but it comes out in a groan before you can get the whole sentence out.
I know it could be a lot worse in the whole scheme of life, but for me, it’s where I’m at right now. I have a freaking mandatory retreat on Friday/Saturday that is totally stressing me out. It’s at a Christian camp, no alcohol, internet or cell phones. And they’ve encouraged us to bring board games. Are you f-ing kidding me? Retreats and team building BS for a class went out ten years ago. It feels like a Dilbert cartoon. What, are we going to do a ropes course? We’re not in girl scout camp you know.
I’m having flashbacks of my Catholic marriage encounter weekend retreat, and we know how that turned out. For the record, I’d like to report that my BF and spouse-to-be managed to weasel out of their marriage encounter early. If you’ve gone through one, you know this is virtually impossible to try to leave early. Kudos to Pat, because I know he had to do some serious maneuvering to pull that off.
I swear if they really want us to bond, they’d bring a couple of cases of beer and some tequila. Who hasn’t made best friends with a total stranger at a bar? Back in the college days, I went on a ski trip to Canada – there were 6 guys and two girls, guess who ended up partying with the guys? I even had an in depth conversation with one of the strippers, Rolls Royce. She told me I looked like her stripper friend named Cadillac. And then there was the time I went to the Gay-la Christmas party at a gay bar. I ended up being a true fag hag – I was wearing some Gap velour pants and ended up talking to a guy wearing the same pants in a different color. The funny thing was, they could tell I wasn’t gay right off the bat. I ended up being this guys confidante, he even started crying telling me his boyfriend woes!
Anyways, I digress. My point is that some people just don’t bond on demand. Frankly I hate playing board games – I’m so competitive I only play games I can win. I always lose at Monopoly, stupid game. I’m taking my new Chelsea Handler book, My Horizontal Life, and a flask. We’ll see if I get kicked out. Gawd…I’m so dreading it, from the get-to-know you quiz to the built in socializing, I’ve got to be medicated. Do you dare me to go to bed at 7 p.m.? Should I tell them how I really feel when they want to know? I have to try and remember that this is a work function, so I can’t just bust loose on how ridiculous this is.
Does anyone out there actually love these forced retreats? I mean, even in prison you get tv and a phone call, even some contraband on occasion.
You forgot to add we actually made grocery lists instead of doing our journaling at the marriage encounter retreat!
T.-
Ang thinks you should take some REALLY inappropriate board games just for shock value – no one said you had to bring Monopoly! It could make it more interesting! Even more reason for you to come down Saturday night!!
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