Road Trip!

Hola – I’m heading out on the open road to Canada with my dog & dad for the three day weekend to visit relatives.  Loaded up the motorhome with lots of beer and wine.  Food, what food? Minor details…What doesn’t make sense is that I’ve bought a case of Kokanee beer, which is imported from Canada.  But I wanted to make sure we could get it, so just went ahead and bought it.

Got the doggie passport – yes, did you know that you not only have to have a passport now, but you have to get one for animals too.  Makes sense, although they should make people pass a physical and psychological exam before leaving and entering the country like they do dogs.

I’ll be out of wireless range, so will go back to the old fashioned method of jotting my thoughts on cocktail napkins. Although I occasionally have the hard time deciphering my notes.

Back on Monday so ya’ll have a great three day weekend.  I’m sure I’ll have some good stories to report back.

Cheers!

One more piece of advice

Well, I bit the bullet and asked one of my best guy buddies what he thought about me going out again with my set-up from a few weekends ago. He’s nice, but really not the type of guy I’m looking for…not to mention, he still lives with his mother. So other people were like, well, if he’s nice, maybe you should give him a try (like I’m taking a test drive or something). My buddy is married but is one of my best friends and my biggest cheerleader. I knew he’d be brutally honest. I can tell if I shouldn’t go out with a guy if they won’t pass the “Chris Test”. He’s way more objective and gives that big-brotherly type of advice.

So here’s what he had to say…

I am going to be blunt, so get ready! A 36 year old man who lives at home is not a man. In a rare instances there may be exceptions like sick or dying parents, sole wage earner for younger siblings etc. But to have a good city job and live at home??? WTF is that about? So, having said all that, I seriously doubt he is relationship material. However, hanging out and keeping it casual is certainly an option.

So for my final what do I think. I think you deserve better. You deserve a man who is your intellectual equal and also in touch with your spiritual side. I still say you are smart, ambitious, fun to be around and HOT! I keep hoping a good man will cross your path. Don’t settle.

Please, tell me how you really feel and don’t mince words. That’s the great thing, at least you know where you stand with him. But he’s right, I shouldn’t settle for Mr. Right Now just because I’m lonely or tired of being alone, or just plain horny. You know, I think he’s on to something there…I’m not saying we should hold out for the unattainable, but if you know right off the bat that the person is just not what you want, there’s no point forcing it. That’s a recipe for disaster – women are famous for thinking that, it’ll be OK, he’ll change. Sorry sister, but it just isn’t going to happen and then look at where you are!

Take my advice…

…I’m not using it.  Ever notice how easy it is to give advice?  It’s like you can hear about a situation and then be quickly able to say, well, they only need to do this or that, like it’s just a simple explanation or solution.  For example, if you are really bad at golf, one might suggest taking lessons or practicing.  The reality is that it’s just not that easy.  Practice requires time and effort, lessons can be expensive, you might need new equipment.  So you just put it off.  Same thing with dieting.  It’s really easy for observers to say, well you just need to eat less and exercise more.  Simple, right? Tell that to the 5 pounds I’ve been trying to lose for ten years.  And relationships – we could go on for days there.  “I can’t believe she hasn’t kicked him out yet”, “what was he thinking”, and so on.

Again with dating – I’ve heard so much advice:

• You need to get out more (yes, because I love going to the bars at night by myself)
• Take a cooking class (I’m sure the guys in these are looking for someone to cook for them)
• You should try online dating (did that, two words: false advertising)
• You should go hang out a a bookstore (I love bookstores, but now avoid them because some guys think that is a great place to pick up chicks)
• How about that other online dating site, you know the one where they match up your personalities (maybe if I had a lot of extra cash I’d consider this one, but I’ve heard E-harmony is lopsided with more women than men)
• I know – I’ve got someone you can meet (yes, and he lives at home and drives a POS, thanks anyways)
• Shoulda, coulda, woulda…

We had this discussion at the class I was at – there were about 6 women, one beautiful single woman from New York, some from other parts of the country.  We were talking about the best places to meet guys.  I’m thinking holy cow, if this fabulous woman from freaking NEW YORK CITY can’t get a date, maybe I should just cash it in and give up now.  We discussed the pros and cons of the options, but really didn’t decide on one.  I thought set-ups were a good way, because at least your friends supposedly know you so you’d think they’d set you up with a catch.  Then we realized this can backfire if they are way off base.

Ultimately we didn’t come up with one answer.  The best advice was to just keep doing the things you like to do.  Don’t try and be something you’re not by going places or doing activities only to meet guys.  Makes sense though if you think about it.  I could go to Extreme Cage Fighting because there would be tons of guys there, but it is just not my thing.  Better to go hang out at a baseball game and sip a brew – you never know who might be in the seat behind you, and even if you’re in an empty section, at least you are doing something you like.

Any great tips out there?  Or better yet, any disastrous online or blind date experiences?

Minority Report

I found out I’m in the minority. Not because I’m a woman and get paid less than men in my job. And I’m not talking about the party I went to last weekend where I was the only white person, the rest were Mexican. Seriously, ‘m not being politically incorrect or insensitive, they are from Mexican heritage. Not Hispanic (Spain origin) or Latino (Latin America). Actually a lot of the population here is from one certain state in Mexico or a region of Texas. I don’t even notice it anymore, half of my family is now half Mexican. I even got taken for a Mexican at the party, when they found out I was white, this guy said, “you mean you’re ALL white?” What am I, a freakin McNugget? Think about it, this is why the census is all skewed too, there isn’t a line item for Mexican.

But anyways, the point to this is that I was trying to enjoy some ‘me time’ after my week at class and a weekend of having company. Got a text from the BF that she is reading Chelsea Handler’s new book, Are you there vodka, it’s me Chelsea, and laughing her ass off. She also said it was similar to my blog, thank you very much, I think she’s hilarious too, so that’s quite the compliment.

She goes on to txt that she’s reading a chapter that Chelsea is talking about wanting to sleep with a redhead, since she has slept with a bunch of other types, but not a redhead. She notes that 97 percent of the women have not. What? So what does this mean – I’ve actually got two ex flames that had red hair – does that mean I make up half of the three percent minority because I’ve slept with two redheads? And it just so turns out they were both great in the sack. What’s even weirder they were both from the very small town that I lived in after college, and were both (unpracticing and unrelated) Mormons. That town was 90% Mormon, so I stood out there more than I do right now in an area of 60% Mexican.

As I was thinking about this statistic, the run-through the rolodex of exes refreshed one of my funniest hook up stories. Please enjoy (Rob, I’m not even sure if you’ve heard this one, so here’s your warning):

I was living in super small town USA, very isolated, and too far from home to go home for most holidays. I had gotten invited to a Christmas dinner at the parent’s house of this guy I liked. Dinner’s going great, his parents love me, we connect, but we’re at his freaking parent’s house. So he invites me to come see him in Jackson Hole, Wyoming the next weekend. I show up at the condo he’s staying at and it was one of those, don’t-even-talk-just-jump-right-into-it greetings. Pretty hot too, but I won’t bore you with any details. Let’s just say I remember the shower to this day because it had three shower heads.

So later that night, he decides to be all romantic. He has a room with a fireplace, balcony, we’re talking the works. We’re drinking some wine in his room and I’m thinking, wow, this is so sexy. Nice room, hot guy, wine, in freaking Jackson Hole, what else could you ask for? Apparently he wanted to add a little ‘external stimulation’, and pops in a porno to the VCR (guess how long ago this was). So the cheesy porno soundtrack comes on and I’m torn between trying not to laugh and being disgusted. He’s like, what you don’t think this is a turn on? And I’m like, no not really. It was even a dated porn, must have been from the 70’s because I thought I was watching The Love Boat Gone Wild. Just doesn’t do it for me…

Since that part isn’t going according to his plan, he decides to really set the mood by starting a fire in the fireplace. Another nice romantic thought. He gets the kindling going, the sparks ignite, and then the next thing you know, the room is completely filled with smoke – he forgot to open the damper. If you can just imagine this stark-assed naked guy trying to put out a fire and clear a room from smoke, you’ll get the visual. Well at that point, I gave up. Can you say Rally Killer? Sorry but we’ll have to try again later, I was laughing too hard to even try to get in the mood, I don’t care how good the porn is.

I think he must have been trying to live out all his sexual fantasies in one weekend – later that night, he wanted to get into a threesome with his roommate. Needless to say, that didn’t work out either, but at least the skiing was good.

Learner, Vacationer or Prisoner?

I’ve been stuck at a class out of town all week. It’s a royal pain – started on a Sunday and doesn’t end until Friday. The first night, the coordinator said there are three types of attendees: Learners, Vacationers and Prisoners. I’m a textbook prisoner. Completely held hostage, would rather be at work, and am only going because it’s required for my certification. However, I’d probably be on ‘vacation’ if my co-worker wasn’t at the same class and it was held at a posh resort instead of a college campus. It’s about 30 miles from home, so I’m semi-commuting. It’s pretty handy, I can stay up there if I want to go have some drinks and then you’ve got a place to at least freshen up during the day. Thank God I got a room with a private bathroom.

The three descriptions are pretty accurate, but I’d add some more as well:

• Learners are the total brown nosers or people that love this type of stuff. They want to soak it all up. Every time someone asks a question you think to yourself ‘damn learner’. They like to wait around and talk to the presenter, thinking their additional question will make them memorable.
• Vacationers. Think Gretchen Wilson – I’m here for the party…No explanation needed. I’ve been keeping a low profile this time but did manage to tear it up last night. Not naming any names, but in a different instance, someone stayed out all night partying and then was completely hungover the next day.
• Prisoners. Would rather be anywhere else. Only there because their boss sent them or it’s required.
• Cliff Clavin. Knows it all and thinks he’s asking very intelligent questions or bringing up points that people are interested in.
• Grad Student. The one that is either getting their MBA or just finished. Thinks they are very insightful and have learned something revolutionary.
• The Invisible Man. The one that you can go all week and if you see them on the last day, you could swear that you’ve never seen them before.
• The Wallflowers. Kind of like the invisible man, but these are your students that just blend in to the scenery. You wonder, do they talk or just sit there?
• Rookies. We have some people there that have literally been in the profession less than a month. OK, maybe you want to freaking learn a little before trying to dive in to a week long class. This sh#% is way over their head.
• Been There Done That. This would be me. Tell me something I don’t know yet. Not that I know everything, but I’ve been doing this for a while. I don’t need two hour sessions for five days to get the point across.
• The cell phoner. I’m sorry, but how difficult is it now to put your phone on vibrate or quiet? I mean, come on, once might be an accident, but you’d think they’d make the adjustment.

Did I miss any? I think I did, but I’m too tired to think anymore. Plus my back is completely shot from sitting all day so I’m medicated.

Back to jail tomorrow…

Date Night

Well another Friday night has come and gone. I didn’t realize that some people actually call Friday night, ‘Date Night’ (thanks for the new term, Miss March). What a concept! I love Fridays, but it’s usually not because I have a date. Except with my 5:01 club. 5:01 on a Friday afternoon is when we meet for Happy Hour to kick off the weekend.

I can be dragging ass all week, but will perk up about 3 p.m. on Friday afternoons. I mixed it up this weekend – I pimped out my dog on Friday. Took her to visit her boyfriend so at least one of us could get a little lovin. Her boyfriend conveniently lives with my nephews so it’s a win-win.

I did have a kind of date on Saturday though. The gal that’s trying to set me up with her brother had a BBQ so we could do an informal meet-n-greet. I think it would have been more fun if I hadn’t spent 5 hours out in the 100+ degree heat earlier in the day. (Partly my fault because I wanted to get a little tanning in before the date, shouldn’t mix cocktails and sun, then I had to work at an event during the hottest part of the day). I swear if one more person says ‘hot enough for you’, I’m going to shove that little portable fan they wear around their neck up their keister.

But nonetheless, it was all right. He’s a nice guy. Wait for it…wait for it….BUT. Yes, there’s a but there. But, I’m not sure if he’s the nice guy for me. Of course I want a nice guy, I’ve done the alternative. But I’m not sure we have a lot in common except we like beer and sports. Is that enough? I went out with a guy once that those were the only things we had in common (plus one other one, you guess), and it was OK, but you always wonder if there’s more to it. Does being nice cut it? Do you think there should be something else if you actually want to have a real grown up relationship? There’s something about being able to talk to someone about work or college days, they actually have some kind of idea about where you’re coming from or what you do.

For example, I’m a big reader of the wedding and engagement section (and obits, but that’s for another post). Do you ever notice how people kind of match up in looks, backgrounds, careers? Like today, there’s a couple that are both college graduates and working in professional type jobs. Then there’s a couple who are both in college (what the hell are they thinking), and another couple who work at a local restaurant (with a walk-up window too). Sometimes you find one that makes you wonder. Must be high school sweethearts.

My point is, and don’t take this wrong, but if you know me, you know that it really is all about me – is it bad to want to find someone like me? Smart, funny, great smile, good job, owns their own home, stuff like that. I used to have a list of qualities (I seriously had a checklist I carried in my wallet) that I wanted in a man – single, never been married, no kids, funny, college degree/trade school, has a job, doesn’t live with parents…generally no big baggage (four kids with four women) or drama (like being separated or with a psycho ex).

Unfortunately this doesn’t always work – when I met my ex husband, he met all the requirements on my checklist so I figured that was as good it was going to get, BINGO we have a winner!

Anyways, I won’t totally nix a second date, you never know. We’ll see. I’ve always said I would never gone out with a smoker, someone who lives with their mother, someone that is separated (but getting a divorce, eventually) or a guy that you knew would break your heart. But I did, a lot of us do. Live and learn.

Every day is a topless day…

…when you have a convertible and it’s sunny out. I love driving topless, the car that is. I have a rule that if the sun is out, the top comes off. With over 300 sunny days a year, this is almost every day. There is nothing finer than cruising along with the top down, the aromas of fresh flowers, the sun, the fresh air. The best is in the fall when you drive by a vineyard and it smells like grape candy. Chicks always seem to attract a lot of attention in a convertible. Gotta love those truckers! My dad was a trucker and he said he used to see some crazy sh*# while driving on the open road.

So I’m cruising along on the freeway this morning and I’m passing a trucker and he is totally eyeballing the rear view mirror, checking me out. I’m like, geez dude, don’t strain yourself. So as I’m driving by, I turn to look at him, (and figure I’ll make his day because I’m wearing a low cut shirt), flash him a big smile and give him the ‘how you doing’ nod. Dang I was looking good, he was totally gawking out the window.

I go past, feeling pretty hot, then I catch him in the rear view to see if he’s flashing his lights or honking (they do that sometimes, universal ‘hi’ sign). Then I see that he’s still looking back…and wasn’t looking at me, his tarp was coming off the load. Ooops. Nice ego killer…He probably thought I was the one totally scoping him out.

Ever gotten busted checking someone out and then you realize you know them? I’ve done this more than once, it’s embarrassing. The worst was when I saw my ex-husband, didn’t realize it was him, then when he saw me looking at him and it dawned on me that it was him, I ran the red light I was stopped at. Busted!

The Beer Stand

This is hilarious. I can’t stop laughing…

Mary Alice Rocks!

Can I just say that Mary Alice Yeskey from Ace of Cakes Rocks? She is one cool chick that hasn’t let celebrity go to her head. There a story in the paper about this teenage gal that has leukemia, chemo stopped working and was crossing things off of her ‘bucket list’ (her term, I’m not being insensitive). She is a big fan of the food network show and the paper had mentioned that meeting someone from Charm City Cakes was on her list.

Lo and behold, Mary Alice happened to be in Washington State for the first time in 27 years and saw the alert in her email. She said how the stars must have totally aligned because it happened to be the first email so she read it AND she had already planned on driving through that way to visit family and would make a visit to the teen. MA went on to say after the visit that they were going to send the girl a birthday care package of ‘a whole lot of awesome’. What a great story. Restores your faith in celebrity and humanity.

The reason why this is relevant to me in a six-degrees kind of way? I actually got an email from Mary Alice last year. Like her, personally, not some automated response ‘thanks for your email’ mail. Here’s how it went:

NHB: Mary Alice, I wanted to let you know that you made my irreverent annual Christmas letter. It’s mostly about my boring single life and bad dates, but I also do a ‘Best Of…Year in Review” and you provided one of the highlights of my year:

Most innocuous quote on network TV -
“You did such a bang up job on the beaver last week”,
Mary-Alice Yeskey, Ace of Cakes

MAY: First of all, thank you for making me giggle on a Thursday night when I’ve had a hell of a long day. I am honored to be one of your highlights for 2007! Happy Christmas and an Ass-Kicking 2008 to you and yours!

No wonder she has her own fan club. Like I said, is she a whole lot of awesome or what?

Yes but…

So today I get a 6:30 a.m. text message from the young buck saying how sorry he his that he dogged me yesterday (“it was a dick move”, yeah, you got that right) and wants a second chance. I’ve dubbed him The Apprentice, mostly because of his age, but he’s also in a trade so it fits.

Have you ever noticed when someone is explaining something there’s a “Yes, but”. It’s like the ‘but’ gives a chance to explain, but somehow because it started with a ‘yes’ than it should be excused. Yes, I’m late to work again, but I got stuck in traffic. Yes, I cheated on my wife, but it’s because she won’t have sex. Yes, I’m sorry I blew you off for our date, but I was really hungover from partying all night. You get the picture. There’s an inherent need to want to explain ourselves, and to get an explanation. Has a guy ever asked you out and you just said no? It’s usually, no thanks, [insert lame excuse here] I have plans (or a boyfriend, imaginary boyfriend, anyone but you). Just try a flat yes or no and see if you don’t get a look searching for the reason. I once had an instructor challenge us to try and say ‘yes, and’ instead of ‘yes, but’ to make it more positive. Try it, it’s harder than you think.

So back to my dilemma, does a text message ’sorry’ warrant a second chance? I think it’s my cougarly duty to teach an important lesson to the Apprentice about dating an older woman. That sh*& just doesn’t fly here! You might be able to treat girls your own age that way and then they’ll give you a second chance, but once women pass a certain age, we just don’t have time for that. Frankly, I don’t need a date that bad, that’s why they make batteries.

Sorry buddy, I don’t think you’re cougar-worthy, no ‘buts’ about it.