Send in the Troops!

I’m ready to adopt…a soldier that is. My county is home to an Army Reserve center and I’ve just heard that they are bringing in 3,000 troops, possibly even a brigade which is like 5,000. So if you figure that out of 3,000, you take out half that are married, some that are too young for me (what’s too young though? 25 and younger), the don’t-ask-don’t-tell gays, the women and the psychos, I’m thinking there have got to be some available single GI’s. You think?

I’ve been watching ‘Generation Kill’ on HBO…I want to adopt one of those hottie recon Marines! Wish me luck, now I just have to find them. I happened to run into a convoy yesterday driving back from a meeting – I had to follow them into the truck stop just to check them out. Oh baby, Mama likey!

What’s your guilty pleasure?

I went to a guilty pleasures party. No, it wasn’t some kinky passion-fest, it was an annual celebration of a local newspaper column, Guilty Pleasures, at the local hot spot. Normally I wouldn’t stay up late enough to go to a party that starts at 9, but I had gone to the baseball game and was taking my buddy home and we saw a TON of people outside the joint and my buddy was like, dude you should totally go and check it out, maybe there’s some hot guys there. Side note: this place is the hottest new gig for nightlife, chilling on a weeknight, or beers after work. Turns out I went to high school in another city with one of the owners. Small world huh?

Well what’s your Guilty Pleasure? I’ve got a few. Guilty pleasures can range from something that you enjoy doing that is a real treat to a secret obsession or something that you don’t openly tell people. This could be anything from getting pedicures or taking naps, to things people might think weird or eclectic, like dressing up your cat (not me). Think TV shows that are like train wrecks, you just can’t help watching (Rock of Love, Top Chef), musical groups that you wouldn’t expect (hey, I still love Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow), bad habits (insert any here), or food (one of my favorite snacks is uncooked plain Top Ramen). I could go on and on, but enough about me.

This is a great icebreaker at a party, bridal shower or meeting. Remember to keep it clean at meetings…it can be a little uncomfortable if someone you work with says that their guilty pleasure is to Google Earth your house and see what you’re up to. Creepy.

I think my all time favorite is to cruise the Craig’s List Personals – I totally love the ‘Missed Connections’. I always wonder if someone that I’ve been scoping out will reciprocate. I also love to check places I’ve lived or recently visited to see if an ex or one-night stand is trying to reach me with my fake name and age. (kidding, kind of…about the fake name, not the fake age)

And by the way, I do take naps. Because I can.

Leave your keys at the door

Normally if you heard this, you’d think it was a message from MADD…not so in the case of one aforementioned swinging communities (see my ‘Schwingtown’ post) in Boise, Idaho. Yep, it’s confirmed by one of my informants in Les Bois, she has actually talked to someone who lives smack dab in the middle of wife-swapping, couple-sharing, free-wheeling Hidden Springs swingtown. I guess the friend is not into swinging, but is going to start shopping with a pineapple in his basket to test out the legend and see if he can get picked up by a couple at the Albertsons. What does a zucchini and two oranges mean?

Apparently one of the most popular social functions is to go to a party, couples leave their keys in a bowl at the door (separate bowls for men & women), get their groove on, then at the end of the night, grab a set of keys from respective bowl, and that’s who they go home with! I’m curious, do they also have a candy dish of Viagra next to the keys?

Do you think that they have their favorite swapping partners? What if you got one of the ugly people, could you get do-overs? (Hey, best two out of three) Or how about the guy that really wants to live out his MILF next door fantasy, what if he draws the one that’s got a visit from Aunt Flo? (Robin, don’t even say it.) Or you know how women talk, what if you got the guy that comes up ’short’ in the sack? I guess you’d just have to suck it up, take (or give) one for the team, and hope for a better set of keys the next time around.

For some reason, I can just hear the 70’s cheesy porn music in the background. And you all wonder why I have pictures of Bret Boone and Mark McGwire on my keychain…at least I know I’d end up with a sports fan.

Postcards from the edge

Wow – I just got turned onto the coolest blog – Post Secret. Anonymous people send in postcards of their deep, dark secrets and the author does an update every Sunday morning.  I guess he’s even got some books out.  They range from funny to dark, enlightening to profound.  The police officer who confesses that the deciding factor in whether or not to give a ticket is if the offender is an organ donor.  The mother who writes that she has a hidden journal for her children detailing her affair and reasons why.  The young teen who says he doesn’t want people to think he’s crazy because he takes lithium.  The breast cancer survivor who drove away her supportive husband with her insecurities.

Whoa, that is some deep shit.  Makes you think…what are my big secrets?

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Nobody likes a quitter

You need to eliminate caffeine and alcohol...Excuse me Doctor, I don’t think I heard you correctly, I thought you said eliminate caffeine and alcohol? Um, yeah, that’s right. Can you define eliminate? I’m sorry, but it’s not that easy. Try telling an obese person to stop eating.

So out of my three favorite things to indulge in – coffee, beer and sex – Dr. No is telling me I have to now completely stop two of them? Just kill me now. Well at least there’s still sex, which would be nice if I were having it. No wonder he didn’t mention that one, he could probably tell – Hmmm. Let’s see, no wedding ring, no emergency contact, oh yeah, she’s not getting any.

All right, I’ll try to cut back, but I’m not freaking going cold turkey, especially during PMS week! That is cruel and inhumane punishment for me, not to mention my co-workers. Dang, I should have told him I smoked, at least then I could have given that up when he banned that too.

Where’s Dr. McDreamy?

Here’s a tip for you.  If you go into the emergency room and tell them that you’re having chest pains along with whatever symptoms you are really experiencing, it really speeds things along.  The fluttering/irregular heart beats that I was having was starting to become regular, so I heeded the advice of my doctor’s office and went to the emergency room.  As soon as they hear chest pains, it puts you to the top of the triage list.  In less than five minutes, they were wheeling me down the hall and had me in a hospital gown, taking blood and running an EKG.

The doctor (where are all the hot docs?) comes in to tell me the good news that I’m not having a heart attack…but (there’s always a but in there) the test is positive for a possible blood clot.  (Oh shit, a stroke, that’s even worse than a heart attack!).  He wants to know how much coffee and alcohol I drink.  Well, about 4-5 cups of coffee and a couple drinks a day.  How much is a couple he asks?  Ummm…you know, a couple beers or a couple glasses of wine, I stay away from the hard stuff, that shit’ll kill you.  He’s like, are we talking big glasses?  Depends on the day…

Then I wait…since it’s not an emergency anymore, you get bumped down the priority list.  Which is OK, I almost didn’t go because I thought if I was having a heart attack, I didn’t want to end up with a big scar where they ripped my chest open and did open heart surgery.  And the co-pay thing.  Good reason, huh?

Next I get shuttled down the hall in the bed to get an ultrasound on my legs to look for blood clots.  They drive me right by the waiting room and into the general entrance area right by the elevators.  I’m like, I freaking hope I don’t see someone I know.  I shouldn’t have worn a thong – forgot about that whole back opening thing to the gown. I get totally lubed up on both legs so she can check it out.  I’m like, hey can you move that thing a little south? With all that lube, I’d hate to waste it.

Back to the room and more waiting.  The nurse had said even if they found a clot, worst case scenario would be that I’d be admitted for the night, given blood thinners and that’s about it.  In the meantime a lady stops by to ask me if I’ll take part in a Drug and Alcohol Survey.  I hate to be rude and tell her to MYOB, so I play along.  Luckily, the doc comes in and tells me that I can go, so no survey for me.  He says I’ve got Atrial Fibrillation, no signs of any defective valves or anything and that I need to eliminate caffeine and alcohol.

Easy for you to say mister…do you think they have a celebrity rehab for coffee and wine?

Dear John LOL ;)

All right, I’ll admit it..I drunk-mailed. While cruising the Craig’s List personals after an evening of supporting the hop industry, I answered an ad. It wasn’t one of those creepy ones that the guys sound desparate for a woman or one that borders soft-core porn and offers ‘discreet hosting’. Hey buddy, that’s called cheating! It was just an ad in the ’strictly platonic’ section of a guy that just moved to town, same age range and he was looking for a drinking buddy. So I think, “hey, that might be cool, I like beer and could use some more friends”. No strings, just someone to meet and hang out with (but secretly I’m thinking, wow, maybe he’s hot).

So he emails me back and in the first email he does the LOL thing. Personally this acronym drives me nuts, I don’t know why but it ranks up there with someone that forwards chain letters that you must send to 50 people or risk the chance of eternal doom.

Upon further emails, I learn that he’s the manager of a rent-to-own appliance shop. It’s starting to go downhill. Add that to the fact that he is recently divorced, renting an apartment and has two kids, one of which is 1-month old and said kids lives 6 hours away….you see where this is going. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I wouldn’t go out with a retail dynamo, that’s not it. I don’t think that jobs define a person – my last boyfriend was a total blue-collar crane operator, I happen to dig that whole come home from work all sweaty, manly man stuff. But in this case I did the only thing I could – Dear John…sorry but I realized I’m not ready to branch out and meet new people yet. Best of luck to you. (Hey loser, why don’t you move back to where your kids are and be a freakin’ dad!)

In case of emergency

One of the drawbacks of being divorced and living in a town where you don’t know a lot of people is that oftentimes it’s difficult to find service places that don’t completely rip you off or think you’re just some dingy woman that they can charge an arm and a leg.  This can be a real pain when it just comes to some simple handyman job or moving furniture.  Another disadvantage of living alone is that if something does happen to me, I really don’t have anyone to call – my family is 3 hours away and now my doctor is an hour drive.  Thanks to Group Health, I probably won’t even be able to get into one of the preferred providers in my city that is accepting new patients.

The good news is that I found a repairman to fix my leaky ice maker, but on the flip side, my doctor’s office recommended I go to the emergency room yesterday.  Not to alarm anyone, but I was having some irregular feeling chest pains.  Normally I would chalk it up to stress, but my dad had a bad valve replaced two years ago and they suggested at that time that I get mine checked.  Did I? Of course not.  Did I go to the ER? Nope.  I know, I should have…but the symptoms stopped and then there’s the whole insurance issue.  $75 bucks for an ER visit copay and then you have to pay 20% on top of that.  Yes, I know you say, $75 compared to say, having a heart attack…is it worth it?  But you do get your money back if you’re admitted.  I thought of that, but then if I’m admitted, what about my dog or work?? Better make sure to wear matching undies in case when I call 911 in case the hot fireman is the first responder.

Talk about sportsmanship

I don’t know if any of you saw this, but this story is awesome and happened in my backyard. Two Central Washington University softball players helped their opponent (who was a graduating senior and hit a career-first home run) around the bases after the gal blew her knee out rounding first. Central went on to lose the game (and it was the playoffs so ultimately ended the season as well), but the players just said it was the right thing to do.

These gals have gotten more than their 15 minutes of fame and even won an ESPY award. It seriously gives me goosebumps to watch the playback and is a great example of unselfishness that other Generation X’ers (Why’s or whatever they are called) should take note of. Read the full story:

http://www.cwu.edu/~relation/pr-july17b-08.html

You prefer what?

Allright, so I’ll admit – I don’t have the liveliest social life in town, let alone the planet. I’ve taken to perusing Craig’s List on a regular basis, it’s much less intrusive than one of those online dating networks; match, eharmony; it’s not really OK to look. I’ve tried the online dating thing years ago – personally, it was not for me; lots of false advertising.

So no wonder I can’t get a date; here’s what the caliber of men out there in my zip code are looking for: ‘I prefer woman that like stalkings, garger belts, and sexy panties. I’m sorry but I just want to be up front with what I like so if we get to that point we aren’t about to get wild and crazy and then you are wearing mens underware or something like that “turn off”.

Stalkings, garger belts and underware…what girl wouldn’t want to be interested. Ewww. And by the way, I happen to love wearing men’s jockey’s – boxer briefs rock! Thanks, but I’ll stick with my current statistics of ZERO prospects, compared to what’s out there in cybersex world.